Category Archives: getting back together

Getting Your Ex Back – Advice For Men

How To Win Her Back

Sometimes it’s inevitable! You break up with your girl, because it seems like the only thing you can possibly do to resolve your differences. Maybe you tried time apart, maybe you tried counseling, maybe just didn’t know what to do. And so you decided to split.

But now, sadly, you realize that this is the worst mistake you’ve ever made. The lacklustre women that you’ve seen since you split up aren’t a patch on the girl you dated, loved and lived with.

And so now, of course, you want to get your ex back. The problem is not so little, though: you just don’t know how to get your ex girlfriend back.

Relationship Repair

And don’t panic! We have advice which might just allow you to approach your ex easily, make getting over a breakup simpler, and above all help you see that while getting back with an ex is not, perhaps, the easiest thing in the world, you can certainly have a good shot at discovering how to win her back!

Start by reconnecting with a text.

You see, one problem is that your ex might already have moved on, because regrettably, she doesn’t feel the same way about the breakup as you do. So take this carefully.

Don’t call, unless you’re super-confident that she is thinking the same way you are.

And if you do send a text message, make sure it’s not one that sounds like it’s asking for sex, or desperate, or creepy. If you want to bring your ex back, you have to be subtle, so your text should be sweet – maybe about something you shared that’s still warming your heart, and you think might still be warming hers.

Example: “I was listening to that Neil Young song we both loved the other day, and it reminded me of when we saw him in concert in Berlin! Great times! I hope you’re OK.”

If she responds favourably, then you have some ground to build on. But even if she doesn’t, you could still try moving on to Step 2…..  unless your ex’s response was so negative that contacting her would bring down the wrath of the Goddess upon you!

Step 2: The Best Way To Get Your Ex Back?

Well, you romanced her before, so you’re not naive about the ways of love!

And this time you’re really going to need to take it more slowly. Set up a meeting. For example, if you’re trying to win your ex girlfriend back, propose a meeting for a coffee, say – and keep in mind that you probably need to apologize for what you did in a way which will seem genuine to your ex.

Also: remember that if you’re pushy about getting back together, this is going to be a red flag for your ex: after all, you did something in the first place that she didn’t like, so don’t repeat the mistake. (Which might even have been you instigating the break up.)

Step 3: Make That Call

If you’ve got a positive response so far, then maybe this is the time to suggest a casual date in a one-to-one voice call.

You need to summon up some sincerity, be humble and apologetic, stay clear about your own rights and boundaries, and choose a relaxed environment where there’s not going to be much pressure.

And if she accepts your invitation, remember that that’s all she’s done – accept an invitation. She hasn’t said she definitely wants to get back together with you, and it’s possible that your ex may even now turn you down. Be realistic. And whatever you do, don’t beg, don’t cry, don’t demean yourself, and above all, don’t stalk your ex.

The truth is that if your ex-girlfriend wants to come back to you, she’ll do it in her own time, depending on whether or not you convince her you’ve changed.

Step 4: Be Honest

You know, honesty is a great idea. So if you miss her, say so.  Tell her why.

It’s best to speak the truth. That old cliche about “honesty being the best policy” is absolutely right, because when you reveal your soul and your truth, you touch another person in a way you don’t if you’re just blathering or waffling at them with meaningless chitchat.

You need to talk about what went wrong in the relationship, and why, and you need to talk about your feelings. Sure, that’s scary for some men, but you can do it if you try.

Step 5: Be Honest About Your Shortcomings

Your attempt to get back together isn’t going to go anywhere unless you’re honest about what went wrong and your role in the break up.

Of course there’s a saying that “It takes two to tango”, and that’s certainly true, but focusing on your partner’s deficiencies isn’t the best way to work at getting your ex girlfriend back!

If all she hears is your criticism of what she did in the first place, you aren’t going to be getting together anytime soon!

So you might want to clarify with somebody competent – a counselor or therapist – what happened and why, get an independent view of what went on, what you did, and then, take responsibility for it and talk to her about it.

Step 6: Look To The Future

Sure, you’ll have a resentment or two about the past, you’ll be wanting to tell your ex the things that you believe she needs to know, and you’ll be trying to blame her (at least you will if you’re human, but if you’ve read the points above, you know better than to try the blame-game!)

To err is human, but to forgive may really be divine, as the saying has it.

And in this situation that basically means somethign simple. When you meet your ex-girlfriend you take a trip into the future, not down memory lane, a place where you might feel inclined to drag out of the recesses of your mind all the resentments, anger, fear, sadness, disappointments and all other negative things you thought were wrong with your relationship with your girlfriend.

You didn’t get together in the first place because of those things, and so it’s not appropriate to talk about them when you want to try and get back together with your ex.

You must focus on positive qualities – things you like about her, the things which really drew you to her, and above all, the things that will keep you together in the future.

Step 7: Maybe Meet In A Group

Yeah, sure, you might find it daunting and pressurized and frightening to meet your ex with a view to discussing how to get back together.

And in particular, if you’re trying to find out how to save your marriage, then you really need to do this in a situation where the pressure is as low as possible.

One way to do this might be to meet up in a familiar group of friends or family. Yes, that may raise some eyebrows – people may be wondering why you’re doing it, and start gossiping about it –  but the fact of the matter is that if you have other people around who you can talk to, the pressure can be much less.

Of course, this only works if you can get away from the group and talk to each other one-to-one.

And again, when you do this, remember that humility, sensitivity, and honesty are probably your greatest weapons in getting over a breakup.

Step 8: Do Not Discuss Other Women You Met After The Break Up!

She doesn’t want to hear about what you did in the hiatus between your breakup and your attempt to get back together with your ex-girlfriend.

She doesn’t want to hear about the relationship advice you have to offer, or the relationship advice you received from other people!

What she wants to know is if you’re wise enough to behave in a way that’s going to win her back, whether you’re going to be a good partner in the future, and whether the things that drove you apart have changed.

Step 9: Be Romantic

Look, we all know that romance isn’t everything – but it goes a long way for a woman and it might just be the key to getting back with your ex-girlfriend.

And don’t tell me that you don’t know how to be romantic!

Somewhere deep in your soul, your masculine soul, is the genetic knowledge of how to pursue a woman and win her over. If you need some clues, here they are: send her flowers, perhaps to her workplace. Write a love letter in which you tell her why you love her. Take her away for a romantic weekend break. You know how to do it.

Step 10: Get Engaged

What if you aren’t just stringing her along, and that you really do want to spend the rest of your life with her, and you’re very clear about this?

Ain’t it obvious? Buy her a ring – offer to get married.

This can really move her into a place complete commitment. After all, if you’re honest with yourself, you probably know whether or not you were (and are) truly committed to her.

And if you’ve made the decision that she really is the woman with whom you want spend the rest of your life, then why not get engaged?

And if you really can’t make that step, then you should still have a plan to drive the relationship forward – shared goals, shared objectives, shared time. Goals and objectives… something to work towards together.

You know, all in all, whether or not you’re trying to make your ex want you back, or whether or not you need to know how to get your girlfriend back, you need to get over the breakup.

So perhaps the first question you ask yourself should be “Is it time to move on?”

How To Get Your Ex Back – Tips For Men and Women

First of all, don’t beg your ex to come back.

You know we’ve all heard this advice, but when you’re in the grip of despair and sadness after a relationship has come to an end, it can be very hard not to beg.

But please, keep your dignity at all costs! While you might find that begging and pleading with your ex will make your ex feel sorry for you, he or she will almost certainly see you as less attractive!

And even if they succumb to your pleading, just think how resentful they’ll feel later on! (In other words, they may feel they got you back for all the wrong reasons.) No matter how you’re feeling right now you have to be adult about this!

Yep, and sure, you might not care about being Adult and mature right now, but later on you certainly will, because how you get back together with your ex is definitely going to have an impact on how your relationship works out after you’ve had your “reconciliation”.

So if you’re going to communicate with your ex to tell them you think the relationship can still work, please do it as an Adult. If you can’t do that, take some time out before contacting them.

Second of all, don’t start playing games.

You know there’s a temptation to play games with your ex-partner, particularly if you’re a clever “magician” i.e. you think quickly and in complex ways to come up with strategies and ideas about how to get what you want.

But game-playing and manipulation is for children who need to protect themselves in the world. It’s not appropriate for an adult who’s trying to live life in a mature and well-balanced way. And the truth is that anybody who thinks they’re being outmanoeuvred will often be resentful. So don’t hatch plans to get what you want. Behave like the Adult you are.

Three, don’t hold your ex-partner to ransom.

No matter how bad you feel right now, you CAN live without your ex-partner – your life doesn’t depend on them being around you! So screaming, threatening, crying or even saying you’ll end it all if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend won’t get back together with you is just not going to work…. At least it won’t if they’re a responsible mature adult. The other thing you might like to consider is whether or not emotional blackmail of this kind played any part in your break in the first place. If so, ask yourself what your role in the break-up might have been. 

If you’re the one his being manipulated, then you really need to consider whether or not that’s the kind of relationship you want to be in, or perhaps you need to find some way of increasing your self-esteem so you’re not dependent on somebody who’s treating you unkindly.

Four, don’t tell your ex you’ve changed, show them!

One unfortunate thing that tends to happen when people break up is that their ex-partners tell them all the things that were wrong with them – often this is unkind, cruel, and sometimes not even true.

But if there is truth in it, could you see it as feedback? So, if your ex told you that you never gave them space to talk, never listened to them, and never took them seriously, ask yourself if that’s true – even if you’re doing it right now while trying to get back together! (Caution: if there’s any game-playing going on, forget about it and see the facts as they truly are.)

Or, if you’ve been accused of being insecure, for example, don’t contact your ex, trying to get them back, every five minutes – or even five times a day for that matter.

Show that you’re secure in yourself by showing your ex how capable, mature and independent you are. The proof of the pudding, as the saying has it, is always in the eating. Another example, in case you’re in any doubt about what we’re saying here: if your partner said you never treated them with respect, don’t shout and scream at them – talk to them respectfully. Simple, yes?

Five, an apology is easy – at least, easier than you think!

And you might feel that you have nothing to apologize for, which is all very well, but both people in a relationship usually contribute something to the breakup.

One man told me how his ex-girlfriend had finished with him, even though it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t know why she’d dumped him.

He was desperate to get her back. Then he said, “She always told me I had to be right all the time, and accused me of never being able to admit I was wrong or apologize.” He hadn’t seen the irony here!

And he certainly wasn’t thinking of apologizing to her for his arrogance about the relationship breakup. So I suggested that he wrote a letter to her, apologizing for his behavior… And guess what? He saw the point. He wrote the letter. They had a discussion about the future, and they got back together.

You see, the thing is this: each and every one of us has certain basic needs and requirements of other people. These needs are not the same for everyone, but you could confidently say they include things like being respected, being listened to, being taken seriously, being appreciated, being loved, being made to feel special…. and so on.

If you can learn how to do these things for your ex-partner, and take that new behavior into your (future) relationship, then you both have a much better chance of a happy and healthy relationship in the future.

Six, there’s a lot of good in romance.

If men understood how much women wanted to be romanced (and did something about it), the world would be a much more harmonious place.

Women express their openhearted love from what we call their Lover archetype, whereas men are not as able to do this.

If you’re a man and your ex-girlfriend has been demonstrating her love for you, without your appreciation, or without getting your romance back, just think for a few minutes about how you could introduce some romance into the relationship and win her back. And if you’re a woman trying to win back an ex-boyfriend, come from your heart, because love truly can conquer all.

Of course some men are very resistant to the love of a woman, so if your ex-partner isn’t responding to your openhearted love, then it might be better for you to move on to a guy who can truly appreciate you as the loving woman who you are.

Think about this – when a relationship’s broken down, there’s often bitterness around, and one of things on people’s minds can be a desire to express how they’re feeling, even to get some kind of revenge.

Yet this doesn’t help anybody; there are better ways of expressing your feelings – for example:

  • Talk calmly about your feelings.
  • Express how somebody else’s behavior (your ex’s, no doubt) made you feel.
  • Tell your ex what you want from them in the future.

Be positive, talk about what you would love to do with your ex in the future, and avoid analyzing the bitterness of the past.

This demonstrates great maturity and shows you could get back together with your ex, or that your ex could choose to come back to you, with love and affection rather than bitterness and resentment.

Always, always, don’t even talk about what’s gone on in the past unless it’s totally and absolutely unavoidable! Instead, talk about how things can be better for the both of you in the future.

Seven, let go of the past. It’s over and done with.

You know, we all want to analyze what went wrong, we all want to go over our mistakes, and we all want to tell people about our feelings. But when people walk away from a relationship there are plenty of reasons why they do it, and analyzing the past is not high on their agenda.

You and your ex need to people feel optimistic about the future, and to feel that way, you need to talk about the future.

So when you get together with your ex-partner, try to talk about the past only if it really will help overcome your difficulties.

Take the mature approach – stop blaming each other for what’s happened in the past – there’s nothing you can do about that now, except to learn from it and do things differently in the future.

The way to frame this is to tell your ex-partner that you don’t want them to be your ex-partner. Instead, you want to have a new relationship with him or her in the future.

And of course they may feel differently about this. They may want to go over and over what’s happened in the past. If they’re so full of bitterness that they can’t let go of the past, then it might be time to move on.