6 Wait For Him To Come To You

A lot of people will tell a woman who wants to get back together in a couple with her ex boyfriend, after they have broken up, that she should give her ex-partner space and time to work out what’s going on. In other words, she should give him room to decide whether he really wants to get back together.

However, I have a different take on this.

When you’ve broken up with a man, it’s true there’s a lot to be said for giving him some space to work out how he feels, but if he doesn’t make the first move towards a reconciliation after a few weeks, I suggest you make it yourself.

It could be misplaced pride that’s stopping him contacting you. And you can deal with that by taking action. After all, if you want to know how to get your ex back, it’s better to start finding out than to do nothing, surely?

When you do establish contact it’s really important to respond warmly, and appropriately, and work out as quickly as you can what your ex’s intentions (and reasons for contacting you, if that’s what he’s done) are.

Certainly, you want to avoid having sex with him until you’ve resolved the issues which caused the breakup.

7 Put Yourself First

If you feel your happiness is dependent on getting your ex boyfriend back, then you’re not putting yourself first, and you’re not valuing your own life and importance.

You need to do what’s best for you: even if the pain of the broken relationship is intense, you need to make sure that you’re doing the right thing for yourself.

Think about it: if you can’t put yourself first now, when on earth can you put yourself first?

So you need to treat your life like it’s important, and you need to treat yourself as the valuable human being you are.

And that might mean, among other things, that when your man comes back to you, you don’t simply pick up the relationship where you left off. Instead, you find a way of resolving the issues which came up between you and caused the breakup.

You see, he wants you back, and you want your ex boyfriend back. There’s never going to be a better time to work through the issues that led to your breakup than right now.

Warning: If he starts trying to convince you that you caused the relationship to fail, or that there is something wrong with you, then you might want to seriously consider whether he is right for you.

At the very least, he needs to be willing to negotiate with you about how you can have a successful relationship in the future.

If you conclude that he isn’t willing to do that, then it’s unlikely the relationship’s going to be any better in the future than it was in the past.

And even if you were part of the cause, the final ending of the relationship was something in which you both played a part.

If you feel responsible for the breakup, and can’t get round that, or you don’t feel in control of the situation, or you feel you’re being manipulated, then get some personal help, either counseling or therapy, or some form of group work like this (designed for women) or this (designed for women and men).

And, most of all, do the inner work needed to change yourself if you think you have problems or issues that need to be resolved.

Of course this raises the question of whether or not your ex boyfriend’s going to work on his own issues. That might be something you can talk to him about, yes? That way you will both grow emotionally and move together into a new future.

Of course if either of you continue to display dysfunctional  or disruptive behavior, the sort of thing which led to the relationship breaking up in the first place, there’s no point trying to save it now.

(Perhaps the only exception to that is if you’re both committed to working on yourselves and you are open and honest about this with each other.)

8 Have a Vision for Your Future Relationship

It goes without saying that if your man is abusive, tries to make you do things that are against your basic principles, has substance-abuse problems, never takes responsibility, is immature, cheats or lies or can’t be trusted, then you will do yourself a lot more good by leaving him and moving into relationship with a man who has higher moral principles.

If your own weakness is such that you need to have your ex partner back regardless of how inadequate he may be, then you might want to do some emotional work on yourself, urgently. 

Any obsession with your ex-boyfriend might imply that you need something more than breakup advice – perhaps you need counseling and support from a professional.

In essence, what’s going to be helpful for you at this point is trusting that if you’re meant to get back together with your ex, it will happen, and that if you aren’t, then there is a better man already waiting for you.

Trust you will get the man you’re supposed to be with.

But whatever happens, everything will be all right.

If you do manage to find out how to get your ex back, and get over the breakup, you should have a more loving and fulfilling relationship. And when you raise the standards you set for yourself about how you expect to be treated, you will encourage him to grow as well.

But if he doesn’t come back, or if he does come back and you believe he’s not going to change, then you’ve outgrown him.

And then, because you have grown and developed emotionally, you will attract a man who is more suited to you and your values.

It goes without saying that in both cases, you’ll have a more loving and happy relationship with yourself as well as with your boyfriend.

Is it time to move on?

Yeah, well, you might think it would be obvious – to make up or breakup?

But maybe it’s not that clear. After you’ve broken up, for quite a while, the only thing you’re going to want is to be back with the person you just split up with. The pain can be awful. And of course, as most of us know, because most of us have been in more than one relationship, you think the pain will never end.

And of course in reality is that the pain does end, and time moves on, and everything begins to look all right again.

So down below you can find some information about what you can do to help yourself get over the pain.

But  For Now: “Break Up or Make Up”? How Do You Decide?

It’s hard to figure it out: did you make a major mistake in breaking up, or are you just missing the person because you are familiar with them and in the long run it’s the right decision for you both?

Why Do You Want Him / Her Back?

One of the reasons why guys sometimes suffer after they’ve lost their girlfriend, and women when they’ve lost their ex-boyfriend, is that it can all be about proving that your ex still wants you.

In other words, this isn’t about wanting to win your ex back, it’s about wanting to win. About proving you are needed, in fact.

This is a situation where you can tease out the truth from your fantasies by making a list of the pros and cons of getting back with your ex.

Make a list of what you liked about your ex compared to what you didn’t like about your ex. Make a list of the risks of getting back together compared to the benefits of staying apart.

And then, look at your list of pros versus cons, and likes vs dislikes, if pros are fewer than the cons, and likes fewer than dislikes, then you have a pretty clear idea of where you stand. Find a new partner maybe.

Do You Know Why The Relationship Broke Up?

If you don’t really have a sense of why you split up with your ex, then you can’t really get back together.  (I suppose you could, but what I mean is you’re not going to be any kind of different position than you were before.)

Getting over a breakup takes a little bit of analysis, and here’s one way to do it.

If you know the things you were accused of doing to cause the break up, write them down on a piece of paper, decide first of all whether you want to change them, and then think about whether or not you honestly feel you can fix them.

They may be major things, they may be trivial things, but what matters most is what was important to your partner about what you were doing – the negative things, that is.

So if you can fix not phoning when you’ll be home late, or finally doing some housework to help your partner in the home, or choosing not to eye up other girls in the street, or not going to a girl’s night out every week, or not chatting to your girlfriends for hours on the phone (adjust as necessary!), then these small concessions might just make a big difference to how your partner (or ex-partner) sees the worth, desirability and likelihood of joy in a relationship with you in the future.

It’s about compromise, and about giving up some things you want to do for the sake of the relationship.

Here’s another clue: if you think you are blameless in the break-up, that you did nothing to contribute to the breakup, then you are definitely not ready to get back together with your ex partner. Don’t even start trying to find out how to win him or her back.

Why not? Because you need to work on yourself first.

Can You Admit Where You Went Wrong?

It’s no small thing to take responsibility for your role in the breakup. If you can look your ex partner, your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, in the eye, and take responsibility for what you did to cause the breakup, without mentioning a single word about what you think your partner did to cause the breakup, then you’re probably in the right emotional place for relationship reconciliation.

In other words, you’re not playing the blame game. Great!

So when you do get together with your ex-partner, and you want to discuss what was going on in your now-finished relationship, you need to have the mindset that you’re going to be humble, you’re going to apologize, and you’re going to do both in a neutral place where there is no drinking involved.

Video – Saying Sorry

You can show him or her the things you’ve decided to do differently, you can admit your role and responsibility in the breakup, and then you can ask your ex if he or she is willing to help you make these changes, and give the relationship another try.

And by the way, if you can’t stick to the “contracts” you make about how things be different then my guess is that you’re probably not mature enough to be in a long term relationship yet, so either “man up” or “woman up” and become the person you really can be. That’s the easiest and quickest way to become the partner that your partner would like you to be.

Ways To Get Over Your Ex
If You Decide You Have To Breakup

Do something active.

Start by cleaning your house and getting rid of any trace of your ex partner. You may want throughout the mattress where you made love. You might want to get rid of the pictures of you together on that romantic holiday. Anything that stimulates memories of your ex-partner – ditch it.

Don’t phone him / her.

And delete his / her phone number from your phone or block it. This is “going no contact“, and it’s recommended by psychologists as the best way to get over a breakup with your ex.

Spend one week of your life moaning and complaining about how unfairly were treated to friends who will listen. Then stop. But if you need to go on doing this beyond a week, find a therapist or counselor can help you. Don’t make your friends suffer more than one or two conversations about this each!

Distract with exercise.

Go to the gym, do some hard exercise, take up a martial art, or join a support group for men or support group for women where you can express your aggression safely.

Don’t forget that physical exercise is a great healer, because it releases endorphins into the brain, and endorphins are the natural feelgood hormones.

Do not obsess.

And that means about your ex-partner, or what you did, or what you didn’t do or what your ex-partner didn’t do. Make a decision to get over it and move on OR to try and get back together.

Stay real.

Do not tell yourself that no one will ever love you like your ex-partner did. In fact, if you’re obsessing about this, and you’re not taking any steps to get back together, then you can be pretty sure that you don’t need anyone like your ex-partner in your life.

You can use a simple mnemonic to remind yourself about the real characteristics of your partner. So for example, her name was Fiona, you could make up the following list of all the things that irritated you about her: feeble,insecure, obtuse, nasty, annoying. Every time your ex pops into your head, just remind yourself of these qualities. Another example: John was a jerk, noxious, helpless, and no good for me.

Have as much sex as you can.

Do it with as many people as possible! This can be therapeutic. Make sure you use infection-protection, i.e. condoms, and don’t get sucked into the idea of another relationship straightaway. That probably isn’t going to work too well!