So here you are: you want to get back together with an ex.
And you might have seen some advice about getting your ex back which is basically telling you not contact your ex for 30 days, no matter how much you want them back.
The idea is that this is a “cooling off period” which can let the heat die down and allow the strong emotions, mostly anger or sadness I guess, to damp down a little bit so it’s easier to talk.
Thirty Days Away From Your Ex?
But every situation is different, so you need to make a judgement about what’s best for you and your ex-partner. What we can say with confidence is that it’s certainly a good idea to give an ex partner (and the relationship) some time and space after you’ve broken up.
If you have time and space apart, you can cry, you can give yourself some treats (Massage? Spa time? Pampering sessions? Time with friends?), and you can reflect a bit and get some distance from the relationship.
After all, you never know – you might actually decide you don’t want to get back together with your ex!
But above all, whether you give it 30 days or not before you contact your ex, don’t throw yourself at him in the same way you behaved in the relationship…. You broke up for a reason, and even if it wasn’t entirely your fault, you must have done something that contributed to the breakup.
Video – How To Deal With A Break-up
So here’s the question: what kind of contact are you going to make, whether it’s 10 days or 30 days after the breakup?
Well, maybe that depends on whether you broke up the relationship or he did.
If you broke it up, and you know you want your ex back, I’m assuming that’s because you feel you can’t live without him? That you’ve genuinely made a mistake, and he really is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? (Otherwise why would you even be trying to get back together with your ex?)
So assuming you did the dumping, the best way is to approach him is in an Adult fashion, rather than pleading and begging. (When I say Adult I’m talking about Adult ego state – which means a mature, balanced, emotionally stable position… Just like the one you’re in right now, yes?)
Well of course you’re not emotionally stable right after a break up, which is why you might want to wait 30 days before making contact. Let’s face it, if you’re still feeling emotional, and you think you’ve made a mistake that’s ruined your life as well, the way you approach your ex might not be the best way to get him back onside.
So how are you going to get yourself into an emotionally stable position and talk to him rationally?
That’s up to you, but you have to find a way of doing it, because if you go back pleading and crying you WILL make the situation worse. And also, if you go back trying to find out why the relationship broke up, asking loads of questions – Why? Why? Why? – you might ruin your chances of getting back together with him.
But when you are in an emotionally stable place and you feel you can do this in a calm way, the thing to do is either to talk to him, briefly, perhaps by leaving a voicemail recording on his home phone after calling at a time when you know he is likely to be out, or writing him a letter.
Yes, that good old-fashioned method of communication: a letter.
You see, the thing about a letter is that you can compose it calmly and rationally, you can take your time, and you can rewrite it if it’s all going wrong.
You can express your heartfelt desire to get your ex back, while the same time avoiding pleading, begging, whinging, whining, and apologizing.
So this is worth considering!
You’re Gonna Write Your Ex A Letter
You might want to say you’re sad, you might want to say you know you’ve made a mistake, and you might want to explain the mistakes you made that led you to dump him.
Once you’ve done all that and you’ve communicated it to him, you really have to sit back and trust.
Your ex has a mind of his own, and he’s going to decide whether or not he wants to get back together with you, regardless of what you do or say.
And he doesn’t have to explain his actions to you.
If you think he does, and pursue him accordingly, then you’re beginning to look like a stalker. And that’s no way to approach the tricky subject of discovering how to get your ex partner back!
If he responds favourably, then meet for a brief chat over a coffee, somewhere time-limited, so you don’t get wrapped up in a deep, long conversation about what went wrong – that comes later.
At this stage, you’re only interested in re-establishing connection and communication. We’ll talk in another post on this blog about how you can begin to reconnect intimately and start over in a new relationship with your ex lover.
If he doesn’t respond favourably, then I think you might have to accept you’re not going to be able to get your ex back, and that even if you want a relationship with this man, it might not be going to happen.
Certainly the worst thing you can do is pursue him. Let things rest, and then maybe six months later try again. (“I was just flicking through my address book, and I saw your name – it brought back memories of all the good times we had together, and I just wondered how you are.”)
Now what about if he did the dumping?
Well, this is more tricky. You don’t know why he dumped you, unless he explicitly told you in great detail at the time. And because people say things they don’t mean when they’re angry, it’s quite possible you were hurt deeply when he dumped you.
So there’s an issue here about the way you were treated. Do you feel it’s OK to go back to the man who dumped you, and if so, how do you think you’re going to feel when you’re back together with him, if he starts to treat you the same way again?
Video – Getting Out Of A One-sided Relationship
But assuming that’s OK, the best course of action if you were dumped is NOT to initiate any contact.
Shock horror! That’s right, not to initiate any contact, but to wait for him to get in touch with you. The logic here is simple: if he dumped you, and he doesn’t get in touch, then he clearly doesn’t want you back and it’s probable that he doesn’t value you very much either. This is not a recipe for a successful relationship. Frankly, you’d be better off looking elsewhere.
Assuming that he realises he’s made the worst mistake of his life, and wants to get back in touch with you because he misses you, then you need to be ready to respond to his approach without pursuing him.
(Pursuing him is asking questions about why he dumped you, how you and he felt, what he was thinking… and all the rest of that stuff. Again, this comes later.)
For the meantime, you need to make sure you’re a mystery to him – or rather, you need to make sure that your feelings about the ending of the relationship, and also your feelings toward your ex partner, are a mystery.
This is not manipulation, this is just about ensuring you have the upper hand, and also ensuring that you’re following the strategy most likely to get your ex back. After all, you want to know how to get your ex back, right?
Yes? The strategies that seem to work the best are the ones I’m describing here!
So to recap, if he contacts you in some way, you’re going to be responsive, you’re not going to display any bitterness, and you’re going to keep your feelings to yourself; however, the one thing that you really do need to make clear is that you’re NOT mad at him.
If you are angry, but this isn’t time to express that feeling, because it will only lead to another argument, and probably disrupt any hope you have of getting your relationship with your ex back together.
Let’s face it, if you want to get back together with your ex, you presumably love him, and therefore you can presumably hold off on expressing your feelings, be they pain, grief, or anger, until a little bit later?
What you need to do right now, to get him back on side, is to show him that you want him back by being friendly and positive towards him – even if you’re really hurting inside!
Did you ever hear the saying “You can’t solve a problem with the same logic that created it”?
Which means you need to be doing something different to make the relationship work second time around. Perhaps the best way of doing this is to get hold of the fantastic online resource called Text Your Ex Back. As you read through this truly amazing program designed for relationship renewal, you can work out how best to approach your ex so you stand the best chance of getting your relationship back together.
How Your Ex Will Come Back
What you could do, assuming the lines of communication are open, is write a letter of apology, taking responsibility – where necessary – for the things you did which contributed to the relationship breakup. Here is an example of that kind of letter:
I’m really sad that we’ve broken up, and I’d like to have another go. I know there are things I can take responsibility for which contributed to the breakup. I know I’ve not always been as intimate with you as I wanted to be, and in some cases I’ve even pushed you away.
Please forgive me for this, because I’m ready to learn how to do things differently in the future. I take full responsibility for my part in the breakup. I’m really interested to learn how to do things differently, and I hope that together you and I can move forward, with a new perspective on how to do things better.
Some of the mistakes I’ve made, which I’ve identified so far are
- complaining too much when things don’t suit me
- looking to you to make me happy
- not taking enough responsibility for my own emotions
- getting mad when I think you don’t want to be with me, even though I know you just need space for yourself
- not asking for what I need, and then getting angry at you
- expecting you to read my mind
I believe I can approach some of these things differently, John, and I hope you can come with me for a cup of coffee so we can talk about them.
So here’s the thing: if you really want to get back together with your ex you have to accept that the discussion is all about what YOU can do differently. Right now, the way he’s seeing it, you broke the relationship up by behaving the way you did.
He’s probably not ready yet to take responsibility for his part in the breakup, even though we all know that he must’ve played a part (even if that was just simply not setting the boundaries around what was acceptable behavior from you soon enough).
You might be wondering how much time and space he really needs before you can get back together with him and expect things to be a success. Answer: your best chance of getting back together with your ex, i.e. getting your ex back, is to give him lots of space now.
You see, space and time apart allows people to become less dependent on each other, to break the patterns of co-dependency which contributed to the break-up in the first place. Once you stop feeling needy, you can begin to experience your love for somebody (your ex, for example!) much more clearly.
So in other words, space and time can help you recover your feelings of love for your ex partner.
All that aside, space and time apart will also help him to recover his feelings of love for you.
Keep in mind this isn’t a one-way process – we know you want to know how to get your ex back, but bear in mind that he also needs to be willing to reconnect with you, and to do that, he’s certainly going to need to release feelings of anger, blame and shame that he holds: he may be angry at you or blaming you for the breakup, and he may be ashamed that he dumped you.
In your time apart, you need to be working on yourself, so you can transform the part of you which is over-dependent on your ex lover. You can become more self-sufficient, you can grow stronger, and you can learn that in fact, yes, you can manage on your own without him.
And don’t forget, even if you’re not together, as long as you’re feeling love towards him he will sense that at some level.
For as long as you’re feeling hurt, angry, sad, then he’s going to feel that you’re blaming him. You need to heal yourself, release your blame, bitterness and other feelings, and understand that you were partly responsible for the break-up of the relationship before you will be able to get back together with your ex.
And as you free yourself from these feelings, so your ex partner is freed to love you more openly and cleanly (i.e. free of guilt or shame).
We have to keep in mind that a breakup, a relationship coming to an end, is an opportunity to rebuild things in a different way – hopefully with the expression of greater love and a greater chance of success for the two of you in the future.
Remember at this stage you have two choices: to get back together and to make things better, or to abandon your previous relationship, leave your ex-lover, and move onto a new relationship. Either of these choices, no matter how you feel right now, is an opportunity to build a better and more loving relationship in the future.
Keep in mind the possibility that your ex partner is NOT the man who can make you happy.
And as you probably very well aware, if you feel that he has to change in order for you to be happy, this relationship isn’t going to be any better or much different second time round. In which case, you’re better off out of it.
n the other hand, if you know that you really can be happy with this man, and you’re not asking him to change, and you’re not demanding more from him than he can give you, then yes, of course there’s a chance it can work.
And finally, remember that any breakup of relationship, no matter how painful it might seem at the time it happens, is a wonderful way of moving into a better / new / different relationship where you have more intimacy, more success at loving, and more success at being loved.