You know that horrible sinking feeling when you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake ? The woman you just broke up with really is the woman you want to be with?
Getting Back Together With An Ex (Advice For Men)
Getting your ex girlfriend back into a relationship with you? Is it even possible?
We’ve looked at all the relationship advice out there, and we’ve distilled it down into some key points for getting back together with your ex girlfriend.
How To Get Back With Your Ex Girlfriend – Step by Step
1: Make Contact Again – But Only After A Gap
You may want to get in contact with your ex, perhaps by text message, maybe a warm, friendly text that doesn’t look like you’re trying to get something out of her (sex, for example).
The classic breakup advice here is to send a message about something you shared which made you both feel good: “I was listening to that Coldplay DVD and I thought of us at the concert. Hope you’re doing OK.”
Of course she’s going to think this is your way of connecting with her and opening up the possibility of getting back together.
And she might respond warmly, if she’s feeling the same way as you and wants you back in her life.
On the other hand she might send a message which makes it pretty clear she doesn’t want anything to do with you ever again.
That’s more likely if you’re trying to get in contact with her soon after the breakup. Just like you, she might be feeling strong emotions: anger perhaps, or rage, jealousy, fear, depression… or who knows what?
If she is angry with you, receiving a message like that isn’t going to make things any better, particularly if she hasn’t sorted her feelings out yet.
That’s why so much relationship advice suggests you have a period of 30 days with no contact before you get in touch with your ex girlfriend.
And it’s piece of advice you might want to heed.
The advantage of 30 days’ no-contact before you get in touch with your ex is that it also gives you a chance to sort your head out. To really consider whether you really do want to get back with your ex (or not).
2: Take It Slowly
No matter how she responds to your initial overtures, if you really want to get your ex back, it’s up to you to do something which shows her how you feel about her.
Remember, you’re not trying to get back into a living-together relationship – at least, not at this stage!
So the next step might be to propose a meeting.
Right, so you’re going to take getting back together slowly.
In this context, that means proposing to your ex a meet-up in a neutral space, where there’s nobody else around, so you can have a light conversation…..
You will see conflicting advice all over the place – send a text, send an email, give her a call. The reason we suggest you give her a call is simply this: if you speak to her in person you’ll get a much better idea of how she’s feeling about you.
Also, you can make a much more sincere attempt to convince her that your desire to reconnect is genuine. Much more sincere, that is, than you would be able to do in a text message or an email.
Having said that, if you don’t have much courage or hope about getting your ex girlfriend back, text messages can be a useful backup.
Remember that if she turned you down, it’s absolutely her right to do that again. If you start wheedling, begging, crying or even stalking her on Facebook, you’re creating more and more trouble for yourself.
Instead, back off, give her time, and if she comes round then so be it. If she doesn’t, then so be it. There really are plenty more possible partners out there.
But what are you going to say to her if you do make that call?
A good thing is to speak about your feelings.
As you might’ve noticed by now, women seem to like talking about feelings. In fact it’s a subject of eternal interest to them. Men, perhaps not so much.
And there’s a time and a place for everything, and this could be the time and place for you to start opening up about how you feel, and making yourself a bit vulnerable.
As a strategy for getting your ex-girlfriend back, opening up is pretty good. If you make yourself vulnerable, two things can happen – the first is that she sees you’re sincere, and responds by opening up towards you just a little bit.
The second is that she plunges her knife right into the heart of your vulnerability because she’s still really angry about the breakup.
No, really, I’m only joking….. if you speak to her warmly with sincerity from your heart, what could possibly go wrong?
Sadly, quite a lot if you don’t play your cards right. Like when she tells you it’s all your fault, you’re to blame for the breakup, and you’re a loser. Ouch.
So here’s a chance for you to develop your maturity. You can do that by listening respectfully to what she has to say without responding in an emotional way.
Remember the whole point of this first approach is to make contact – and even if the contact turns out to be negative, it’s still a form of contact. Better than being given the cold shoulder, yes?
Anyway, the point is this: you don’t need to talk about everything that went wrong in the relationship. Both you and she know what went wrong. And the time for analysis of why it went wrong isn’t right now.
What’s right for now is something about the way you feel, how much you miss her, how strong your feelings are for her, and your determination to be different in the future.
If you’re feeling particularly brave, you might even try out the “L word” – yes, I’m talking about love. However, don’t say you love her unless you mean it.
3: Admit What You Did Wrong
Now, I’m sure you would like to believe that breaking up with your ex wasn’t entirely due to you, and of course it probably wasn’t.
But this isn’t the time to start explaining to her what she could have done better. This is the time for you to apologize, to show her that you really are determined to change, and to make a genuine request for forgiveness for anything hurtful you did or said to her.
The other thing you need to do at this stage is to take responsibility for what you did.
In other words, not to make excuses, not to justify, not to offer reasons why things happened or why you did certain things, but simply to accept that you were responsible for what went wrong.
That way, you can apologize for your part in the breakup, and – while swallowing your pride – show her how you intend to do things differently in the future.
This is really a mark of your emotional maturity.
If you can’t accept that your ex-girlfriend and you are separate people, that you have separate needs, wishes and desires, and that each of you is responsible only for your own actions, words and behavior, then you have a problem.
That problem is called emotional immaturity.
Emotional maturity & Relationships
Emotional maturity is a quality that involves emotional strength and stability. It is linked to true confidence about the rightness of your own position, and a willingness to examine your behaviour. In particular, to check if it really is as innocent and as wholesome as you think.
Above all else, emotional maturity – particularly in men – is about controlling anger and defensiveness. It’s about putting yourself in a place where you are justifiably certain of your own self-worth and self-esteem. That way you aren’t brought down by the comments made by other people.
I’m sure you can imagine that a woman sees a man with these qualities as very desirable. That’s because such a man can act as a rock, a touchstone, for a woman’s feelings. And if that means nothing to you, seek out a men’s support group where you can get clarity.
Apparently Einstein once said “you can’t solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it”. I’m sure you can see how this translates to a relationship: you can’t mend a relationship from the same level of emotional maturity that broke it. Somebody, somewhere, has to do some growing before you can expect your ex to want you back, or before you truly know how to win your ex girlfriend back.
4: Apologize
You need to apologize, sincerely and honestly, for anything you did that hurt your ex, and for your part in the break up. This is because apologies count for a great deal. In fact, research has shown that couples who apologize to each other have a better long term future than couples who do not.
Apologizing is a sign of respect and care for your partner. It matters to her. Even if it’s difficult, an apology is a sign of man that you’re a man who has his head and heart working in harmony.
5: Gradually Re-establish Contact And Build Intimacy
Make sure you move slowly as you rebuild trust and intimacy. We all know how painful a break-up can be, and there’s no doubt that it destroys trust. Are you asking yourself “how could she do this to me?” Then you know from first hand experience how trust can be damaged. So approach your loved one with a plan to meet that won’t be seen as threatening – a coffee at the local Starbucks, perhaps, or a walk in the park. When you’re together, you can begin the delicate process of rebuilding trust by explaining your feelings, and telling your ex girlfriend why you want her back.