You know that horrible sinking feeling when you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake – and the woman you just broke up with really is the woman you want to be with?
Well, if you’re reading this page because that’s what you’ve done, you’re in the right place.
Getting Back Together With An Ex (Advice For Men)
Getting your ex back, getting your ex girlfriend back into a relationship with you, isn’t difficult, but you certainly need to know how to go about it in the right way to stand any chance of success.
We’ve looked at all the relationship advice out there, and we’ve distilled it down into some key points for getting back together with your ex girlfriend.
How To Get Back With Your Ex Girlfriend – Step by Step
1: Make Contact Again – But Only After A Gap
They say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” – but there’s another possibility to: absence makes your ex’s heart grow fonder of another guy.
You may want to help prevent this happening by getting in contact with your ex, perhaps by text message, maybe a warm, friendly text that doesn’t look like you’re trying to get something out of her (sex, for example).
The classic breakup advice here is to send a message about something you shared which made you both feel good: “I was listening to that Coldplay DVD and I thought of us at the concert. Hope you’re doing OK.”
Of course she’s going to think this is your way of connecting with her and opening up the possibility of getting back together – presumably she’s no fool.
And she might respond warmly, if she’s feeling the same way as you and wants you back in her life.
On the other hand she might send a message which makes it pretty clear she doesn’t want anything to do with you ever again.
That’s more likely if you’re trying to get in contact with her soon after the breakup. Just like you, she might be feeling strong emotions: anger perhaps, or rage, jealousy, fear, depression… or who knows what?
If she is angry with you, receiving a message like that isn’t going to make things any better, particularly if she hasn’t sorted her feelings out yet.
That’s why so much relationship advice suggests you have a period of 30 days with no contact before you try to get your ex back. (Or get in touch with your ex girlfriend.)
And it’s piece of advice you might want to heed.
The advantage of 30 days’ no-contact before you get in touch with your ex is that it also gives you a chance to sort your head out – after all, you might have an insight about whether you really do want to get back with your ex (or not).
2: Take It Slowly
No matter how she responds to your initial overtures, if you really want to get your ex back, it’s up to you to do something which shows her how you feel about her.
Remember, you’re not trying to get back into a living-together relationship – at least, not at this stage! You’re simply trying to find out how to get back with your ex-girlfriend.
(The principles are the same if you’re trying to find out how to save your marriage.)
So the next step might be to propose a meeting.
However, if she responded badly to your first contact, you really need some professional help. I’d recommend you buy a copy of Text Your Ex Back by Michael Fiore.
This relationship make-up program gives you a series of very clever and highly successful moves to help you win your ex girlfriend back, by gently and gradually building up contact and connection in an irresistible way.
You can see an advert for Text Your Ex Back alongside this text, and if you simply click on the picture, you’ll be taken to the website where you can see and hear all about it, and decide how it can help you – or not.
Right, so you’re going to take getting back together slowly.
In this context, that means proposing to your ex a meet-up in a neutral space, where there’s nobody else around, so you can have a light conversation…..
The best way to do this is probably to call her on the phone.
Sure, you will see conflicting advice all over the place – send a text, send an email, give her a call. The reason we offer this breakup advice – to give her a call – is simply this: if you speak to her in person you’ll get a much better idea of how she’s feeling about you.
Also, you can make a much more sincere attempt to convince her that your desire to reconnect is genuine. Much more sincere, that is, than you would be able to do in a text message or an email.
Having said that, if you don’t have much courage or hope about getting your ex girlfriend back, text messages can be a useful backup.
Remember that if she turned you down, it’s absolutely her right to do that again. If you start wheedling, begging, crying or even stalking her on Facebook, you’re creating more and more trouble for yourself.
Instead, back off, give her time, and if she comes round then so be it. If she doesn’t, then so be it. There really are plenty more fish in the sea.
But what are you going to say to her if you do make that call?
A good thing is to speak about your feelings.
As you might’ve noticed by now, women seem to like talking about feelings. In fact it’s a subject of eternal interest to them. Men, perhaps not so much. LOL.
And there’s a time and a place for everything, and this could be the time and place for you to start opening up about how you feel, and making yourself a bit vulnerable.
As a strategy for getting your ex-girlfriend back, opening up is pretty good: if you make yourself vulnerable, two things can happen – the first is that she sees you’re sincere, and responds by opening up towards you just a little bit.
The second is that she plunges her knife right into the heart of your vulnerability because she’s still really angry about the breakup.
No, really, I’m only joking….. if you speak to her warmly with sincerity from your heart, what could possibly go wrong?
Sadly, quite a lot if you don’t play your cards right.
For instance if you react to some trigger – like when she tells you it’s all your fault, you’re to blame for the breakup, and you’re a loser. Ouch.
So here’s a chance for you to develop your maturity. You can do that by listening respectfully to what she has to say without responding in an emotional way.
Remember the whole point of this first approach is to make contact – and even if the contact turns out to be negative, it’s still a form of contact. Better than being given the cold shoulder, yes?
Anyway, the point is this: you don’t need to talk about everything that went wrong in the relationship – because both you and she know what went wrong.
And the time for analysis of why it went wrong isn’t right now.
What’s right for now is something about the way you feel, how much you miss her, how strong your feelings are for her, and your determination to be different in the future.
If you’re feeling particularly brave, you might even try out the “L word” – yes, I’m talking about love – because nothing moves a woman more than being told that you’re in love with her.
However, don’t say you love her unless you mean it.
3: Admit What You Did Wrong
Now, I’m sure you would like to believe that breaking up with your ex partner or ex girlfriend wasn’t entirely due to you, and of course it probably wasn’t.
But this isn’t the time to start explaining to her what she could have done better. This is the time for you to apologize, to show her that you really are determined to change, and to make a genuine request for forgiveness for anything hurtful you did or said to her.
The other thing you need to do at this stage is to take responsibility for what you did.
In other words, not to make excuses, not to justify, not to offer reasons why things happened or why you did certain things, but simply to accept that you were responsible for what went wrong.
That way, you can apologize for your part in the breakup, and – while swallowing your pride – show her how you intend to do things differently in the future.
You see, this is really a mark of your emotional maturity.
If you can’t accept that your ex-girlfriend and you are separate people, that you have separate needs, wishes and desires, and that each of you is responsible only for your own actions, words and behavior, then you have a problem.
That problem is called emotional immaturity.
And if you’re reacting to that idea by saying that you’re not immature, perhaps there’s an indication that something here for you to look at!
Emotional maturity is a quality that involves emotional strength and stability, and confidence about the rightness of your own position combined with a willingness to examine your behaviour and check if it really is as innocent and as wholesome as you think.
Above all else, emotional maturity – particularly in men – is about controlling anger and defensiveness, and putting yourself in a place where you are so certain of your own self-worth and self-esteem that you aren’t brought down by the comments made by other people.
I’m sure you can imagine that a woman sees a man with these qualities as very desirable. That’s because such a man can act as a rock, a touchstone, for a woman’s feelings.
in any relationship between a man and woman, the woman will test the man by provoking him, by challenging him, by using a whole raft of feminine strategies – probably completely unconscious strategies – to establish whether or not her man is emotionally stable, emotionally strong, and reliable.
And when she’s convinced he really is “solid as a rock”, she starts to feel safe. And when she starts to feel safe, she starts to open up to her man. She stops provoking and testing him.
But of course the problem is that if you respond her testing with weakness, which in this context probably means defensive or angry or fearful, the attacks will mount – because, after all, she now really does have a good reason to be angry with you. You’re weak.
And what she needs is a strong, mature man.
To be as desirable as possible to a woman, you have to step into the role of a mature man. To find out if you meet those criteria, a woman will test you. Even when you’ve been in relationship for a while….she’ll test you. And when you’re trying to find out how to get your ex girlfriend back you really can expect some serious testing – because she will want to know if you’ve changed!
Now, you may be feeling confused, maybe not understanding what the heck I’m talking about.
If so, I suggest you join a men’s group, or you find a group of friends whom you respect and look up to, and take some mentoring from them.
If you have an elder in your life – an older man whom you respect – go and talk to him, draw on his wisdom. And if you don’t have anybody you can rely on in that way, go and see a counselor or therapist and get some guidance on what it means to grow into emotional maturity.
Some of the things I’m saying here might seem a little bit harsh. However, you are going to need to do some work on yourself to become the man any woman would be proud to be seen with in a relationship.
Apparently Einstein once said “you can’t solve a problem from the same level of consciousness that created it”.
I’m sure you can see how this translates to a relationship: you can’t mend a relationship from the same level of emotional maturity that broke it.
Somebody, somewhere, has to do some growing before you can expect your ex to want you back, or before you truly know how to win your ex girlfriend back.
You need to apologize, sincerely and honestly, for anything you did that hurt your ex, and for your part in the break up. This is because apologies count for a great deal. In fact, research has shown that couples who apologize to each other have a better long term future than couples who do not.
Apologizing is a sign of respect and care for your partner. It matters to her, and even if it’s difficult, an apology is a sign of man that you;re a man who has his head and heart working in harmony.
5: Gradually Re-establish Contact And Build Intimacy
Make sure you move slowly as you rebuild trust and intimacy. We all know how painful a break-up can be, and there’s no doubt that it destroys trust. If you’re asking yourself “how could she do this to me?” then you know from first hand experience how trust can be damaged. So approach your loved one with a plan to meet that won’t be seen as threatening – a coffee at the local Starbucks, perhaps, or a walk in the park. When you’re together, you can begin the delicate process of rebuilding trust by explaining your feelings, and telling your ex girlfriend why you want her back.