Getting Your Ex Back – Advice For Women

Get Back Together!

You want to know how to get your ex back? Good. You’re in the right place, because we have some great relationship advice about how you can get your ex boyfriend back. 

1 Don’t Take Desperate Measures

We all know how drink and drugs can change our perception of reality. Everyone’s received that dreaded drunken-dial call or drunken-text late at night from an ex-partner who wants you back.

Not always, no. Desperate late night drunken calls always do more harm than good.
Not always, no. Desperate late night drunken calls always do more harm than good. This is not how to get your ex back, for sure!

And if you’ve been on the receiving end of that, you’ll know it’s not an attractive thing to receive. So please, never send those messages. Undignified, they are exactly the kind of thing that will push your ex boyfriend further away rather than help you get back together.

Remember the man who you dumped (or who dumped you, depending on circumstances), was looking for the woman he adored, the girl of his dreams when you met.

He still is. And so, doing anything to make him think you’re needy or dependent might just turn him off you more than turn him onto you.

Sure, we all know that getting over a breakup involves many experiences, and sometimes we all do foolish things when trying to find the best way to get an ex back. No wonder, when the pain of breaking up is hard to do….  and in the light of how much we can still love somebody even after a relationship ends.

So please, don’t do those things which might stem from insecurity, or which you will remember with cringing embarrassment years later.

Is There Hope?

Deep down inside you may be sensing that your relationship isn’t really over, in which case there’s work to be done so you can find out how to get back together with your ex boyfriend and enjoy life together.

First of all, although it’s hard, try and accept the fact that your ex boyfriend (or ex lover or ex husband) will come back to you if and when he wants to.

And in fact, even if he doesn’t want to rejoin you in relationship, you’ll be fine anyway.

And you WILL get over the pain you’re feeling right now.

With that in mind, what do you do next?

1 Be Honest About Why Things Ended

At some point in your attempts to discover how to get your ex back, you may find out some hard truths about how and why your relationship ended.

If your ex starts reminding you of these things, and you believe they’re valid, don’t try and dispute them, defend them, explain them or anything else. Just acknowledge the honest truth. It’s better to be truthful and honest than to live in a bubble of self-deception and wanting to be right.

how to get your ex back
What you want most from a relationship is that it makes you feel good, surely?

A lot of people pay a high price in their relationship by wanting to be right, or in control, all the time: the price is that the relationship mysteriously breaks up!

But the truth is there’s nothing mysterious about this at all. If you can’t make compromises between your need to be right and the need to preserve your relationship, then perhaps you need to learn to love yourself more than you do at the moment.

You see, wanting to be right is about ego, while wanting to be loved comes from the heart. And the heart is much more important. (That’s why you need to know how to get your ex back, surely – because you love him?)

2 You Can’t Convince Him To Come Back

Or rather, perhaps you can. Perhaps you can browbeat him into returning, so you don’t break up once and for all. But the truth is that to get back together with your ex you need to be happy, confident, and let your energy shine. The  very worst reason for getting back together is because you are needy and dependent. (Refer to 1 above!)

3 Take Responsibility For Your Role In The Breakup

Deep down, you probably know that some things that you’ve done, some attitudes you hold, some beliefs you express, some behaviors you regularly display, have contributed in some way to the breakup.

Of course it’s easier to blame other people than take responsibility, but it’s also really unfair if you’re focusing only on what your ex might have done to bring your relationship to an end.

In reality, if you want to know how to get our ex boyfriend back, the answer is: be honest about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses.

For example, do you have trust issues? Do you have commitment issues? Do you allow your man enough space of his own? Do you understand what men’s needs and wishes are, or do you expect him to be exactly like you? Do you expect him to meet all your needs and wishes?

Like we said above, relationships require compromise, and demonstrating your trust, confidence, and indeed your love for your man are absolutely essential.

And in case you don’t know the “real deal” would be that you respect him, and he cherishes you. Those are the two of the most fundamental needs of men and women in relationships respectively – to be respected (men) and to be cherished above all else (women).

Happiness is the key to a great relationship... and being positive may be one way to get your ex back more easily.

Happiness is the key to a great relationship… and being positive may be one way to get your ex back more easily.

4 Be Positive

Research has shown that for every negative exchange between two partners in a relationship, and that includes husband-and-wife, as well as boyfriend and girlfriend, there have to be at least five positive exchanges for the relationship to last. (Original research. And here.)

If there aren’t 5 positives to every negative, the relationship is almost certain to fail.

So let me ask you a question.

How often do you praise your partner, or express positive emotions and sentiments, compared to how often you criticize or express negative feelings?

It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of pointing out your partner’s failings, particularly if you have unspoken frustration and resentment bubbling away inside you.

But the solution here is to engage in honest and open communication, not to sweep problems under the carpet, let them fester, and then explode in a tirade where you feel compelled to point out your boyfriend’s numerous failings.

Learning to accept your man as he is and not complain about his habits may be the biggest step you can make towards discovering how to get your ex back and live happily with him when you do.

5 Respect His Masculinity

Men are problem solvers, and they love the satisfaction and fulfilment they get from feeling competent at solving problems.

That’s why he wants to fix you and your problems, when all you want to do is to talk about them.

Video – talk or fix? Watch it!

This is one of the most fundamental differences between men and women, and it can be fatal to a relationship.

But here’s the reality: men and women are different.

Sure, you say, we all know that….. but how many of us actually act on that knowledge and allow for those differences within a relationship?

group of two men and two women
Men and women are not the same, and nor should they be. What’s needed to bridge the gender gap is mutual understanding, compassion and tolerance.

And when you think about it, expecting a man to be more like a woman really means you as a woman are not confident enough in your own gender, your own sexuality, and so you can’t accept that your partner’s way of being in the world is inevitably going to be different. This is definitely something which needs to be worked on in most relationships.

6 Wait For Him To Come To You

A lot of people will tell a woman who wants to get back together in a couple with her ex boyfriend, after they have broken up, that she should give her ex-partner space and time to work out what’s going on. In other words, she should give him room to decide whether he really wants to get back together.

However, I have a different take on this.

When you’ve broken up with a man, it’s true there’s a lot to be said for giving him some space to work out how he feels, but if he doesn’t make the first move towards a reconciliation after a few weeks, I suggest you make it yourself.

It could be misplaced pride that’s stopping him contacting you. And you can deal with that by taking action. After all, if you want to know how to get your ex back, it’s better to start finding out than to do nothing, surely?

When you do establish contact it’s really important to respond warmly, and appropriately, and work out as quickly as you can what your ex’s intentions (and reasons for contacting you, if that’s what he’s done) are.

Certainly, you want to avoid having sex with him until you’ve resolved the issues which caused the breakup.

7 Put Yourself First

If you feel your happiness is dependent on getting your ex boyfriend back, then you’re not putting yourself first, and you’re not valuing your own life and importance.

You need to do what’s best for you: even if the pain of the broken relationship is intense, you need to make sure that you’re doing the right thing for yourself.

Think about it: if you can’t put yourself first now, when on earth can you put yourself first?

So you need to treat your life like it’s important, and you need to treat yourself as the valuable human being you are.

How to get your ex back - be self-sufficent
Putting yourself first means, among other things, being self-sufficient and self-reliant.

And that might mean, among other things, that when your man comes back to you, you don’t simply pick up the relationship where you left off. Instead, you find a way of resolving the issues which came up between you and caused the breakup.

You see, he wants you back, and you want your ex boyfriend back. There’s never going to be a better time to work through the issues that led to your breakup than right now.

Warning: If he starts trying to convince you that you caused the relationship to fail, or that there is something wrong with you, then you might want to seriously consider whether he is right for you.

At the very least, he needs to be willing to negotiate with you about how you can have a successful relationship in the future.

If you conclude that he isn’t willing to do that, then it’s unlikely the relationship’s going to be any better in the future than it was in the past.

And even if you were part of the cause, the final ending of the relationship was something in which you both played a part.

If you feel responsible for the breakup, and can’t get round that, or you don’t feel in control of the situation, or you feel you’re being manipulated, then get some personal help, either counseling or therapy, or some form of group work like this (designed for women) or this (designed for women and men).

And, most of all, do the inner work needed to change yourself if you think you have problems or issues that need to be resolved.

Of course this raises the question of whether or not your ex boyfriend’s going to work on his own issues. That might be something you can talk to him about, yes? That way you will both grow emotionally and move together into a new future.

Of course if either of you continue to display dysfunctional  or disruptive behavior, the sort of thing which led to the relationship breaking up in the first place, there’s no point trying to save it now.

(Perhaps the only exception to that is if you’re both committed to working on yourselves and you are open and honest about this with each other.)

8 Have a Vision for Your Future Relationship

It goes without saying that if your man is abusive, tries to make you do things that are against your basic principles, has substance-abuse problems, never takes responsibility, is immature, cheats or lies or can’t be trusted, then you will do yourself a lot more good by leaving him and moving into relationship with a man who has higher moral principles.

If your own weakness is such that you need to have your ex partner back regardless of how inadequate he may be, then you might want to do some emotional work on yourself, urgently. 

Any obsession with your ex-boyfriend might imply that you need something more than breakup advice – perhaps you need counseling and support from a professional.

In essence, what’s going to be helpful for you at this point is trusting that if you’re meant to get back together with your ex, it will happen, and that if you aren’t, then there is a better man already waiting for you.

Trust you will get the man you’re supposed to be with.

But whatever happens, everything will be all right.

If you do manage to find out how to get your ex back, and get over the breakup, you should have a more loving and fulfilling relationship. And when you raise the standards you set for yourself about how you expect to be treated, you will encourage him to grow as well.

But if he doesn’t come back, or if he does come back and you believe he’s not going to change, then you’ve outgrown him.

And then, because you have grown and developed emotionally, you will attract a man who is more suited to you and your values.

It goes without saying that in both cases, you’ll have a more loving and happy relationship with yourself as well as with your boyfriend.