Why Did You Break Up With Your Ex?
First and foremost, relationships break up because two partners fail to meet each other’s needs. In other words, you didn’t get what you wanted from your partner, or they didn’t get what they wanted from you.
When you think about it, what you want from each other in a relationship is most likely whatever makes you feel good.
An interesting thing about relationships is that research has shown that feeling good in a relationship requires five positive affirmations from your partner for every negative one they fire at you. If that doesn’t happen, the relationship is usually over within five years.
Now, interesting though that is, the real question is why you weren’t getting the plentiful amount of positive affirmation you needed in your relationship? (And if you weren’t, why do you want to get your ex back anyway?)
If you were fighting all the time, or even if you were just ignoring each other, it’s quite obvious that there wasn’t enough positive stuff going on between you to keep the relationship together. In fact, there might been lots of negative stuff going on.
What Is Positive Affirmation?
In the case of a man, what he’s looking for is appreciation and thanks, and perhaps even admiration, from his woman for the things that he’s doing to protect and provide. Men’s identity is wrapped up in what they can do – from the little things to the big things. Unfortunately, women, particularly perfectionists, often complain endlessly about what’s not being done right.
It’s hard to imagine the effect this has on a man’s self-esteem: basically, he feels useless. No man will stick around in such a situation if he has anything like a decent level of self-esteem. Instead, he’ll often find another woman who does appreciate him. And then you, deal lady, might not be able to get him back if he does that!
Sidebar: One of the reasons people talk about the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is because this is a deeply intense, powerfully bonding period where you think your partner can do no wrong and they seem like the best thing on earth, so it’s easy to feel everything is perfect. Only when reality dawns, does it become clear whether or not your partner really is the ideal person you thought they were.
So, men need to be told what a woman wants and needs. She should speak clearly and directly about her needs and wants, and her man needs to hear appreciation for what he’s done. Unfortunately, a lot of women seem to think that men can read their minds, and ought to know somehow, perhaps instinctively, what a woman wants.
Well, if you are a woman who believes that a man should or can read your mind, then think again! Thinking like that is a recipe for disaster. And since you’re trying to find out how to get your ex back by reading this, you might want to pay attention to the truth about what men and women want from each other. Knowing these things, and bringing them into a relationship, may mean you don’t have to try and get your ex back (next time!) because you might never break up!
One of the really interesting things about human psychology is how the male and female genders are wired. Men are programmed to chase a woman, seduce her, and win her over. They are programmed to go as far as is necessary to win her heart and mind. That’s why men do such extraordinary things when they’re pursuing a woman. They almost lose their reason! (And women love it…..)
Complaining and nagging is the last thing that can keep a man in in a relationship. And it’s the last thing that will get him back to you. Close behind is pleading, begging and crying – all failed techniques in the game of reconciliation, with no likelihood of getting your ex boyfriend back, now, soon, or ever.
What do women need in relationship?
First of all, a woman needs to know that she is more important than anybody else – and that her man isn’t going to abandon her. And for this, she needs to hear evidence that her man regards her as the first and most important thing in his life, that he cherishes her above all else, that he takes her feelings to heart and he listens to what she has to say because it’s important to him.
In other words, he has to provide safety, security and trust.
What you’ll no doubt realize at this point is that everything I’ve written above comes down to one thing: it comes down to how you feel about your partner. (And in the case of a breakup, it comes down to how you don’t feel about your partner!)
So knowing how to get back together requires both the man and the woman to feel – and do – certain things. The man needs to feel he is appreciated and adored, and the woman needs to feel she is cherished, respected and loved above all else.
Therefore the first question is: how do you rekindle these feelings?
Back Together Again
We’ll get around to that in a moment, but first of all, we need to explore the next step in how you can get your ex back.
Taking Time Out
If you’re suffering the pain of a breakup, you’re probably thinking that the best thing to do is to text your ex incessantly, email all day long, call and leave messages, haunt their Facebook page and like your partner’s posts, and perhaps even resort to something that resembles stalking to a more rational person.
No wonder you behave like this – you feel like your life is over, and your world has come to an end. The pain couldn’t be any worse, and your life isn’t worth living.
But stop! This is the worst thing you can do if you want to win back an ex.
First and foremost, you’re not ready for anything like reconciliation; second, you’re not seeing things rationally, because of the emotional pain you’re experiencing.
One or other of you left the relationship for a very good reason – you (or your ex) must have been unhappy for some time. And even when the breakup “comes out of the blue”, and you didn’t sense that there was trouble afoot, the truth is relationships don’t break up on the spur of the moment: they breakup because of long-standing unhappiness which has gradually got to the point where one or other partner just can’t take any more.
It’s hardly likely, I’m sure you’ll agree, that in such a situation, the person who left or the person who dumped you is going to swan back into the relationship on the assumption that all is going to be well. It wasn’t all right first time round, and there’s no reason why your ex thinks that it’s going to be all right the second time around.
And if you’re the one who broke things up, then your ex is probably not only feeling devastated, but also significantly lacking in trust. Simply asking them to take you back is very unlikely to be successful.
Indeed, asking someone to come back into a relationship they just left might well have the opposite effect to the one you want – it might make them more determined to stay away.
So for now, space and time are absolutely essential. There’s no point trying to talk your ex out of their anger or shame or fear or guilt or misery. You have to work on yourself first.
Getting your ex back, or even wining them back, is considerably more sophisticated than just asking them to come back!
Sidebar: Some programs for restoring a relationship after a breakup recommend a 30 day period of “abstinence”. If you’re ignoring that idea and going to do something to re-establish contact, you still need to avoid personal contact – so send a letter. Yes, pen and ink.
If you’re the one who wants to get back together, and you were dumped, then send a note to your partner saying that you’ve been reflecting on things, and you’re beginning to understand the situation, how it happened, and that you understand how things had built up to such an extent your partner had to leave.
And if you’re the one who left, you can say the same thing: you understand how it was for your ex partner.
That’s really all you can do for the moment – but at least you’re doing something! This message will lodge in your ex’s mind, and (hopefully) start a process of reconciliation. After all, such a message does demonstrate a certain amount of concern about your ex’s feelings.
Bear in mind that in any breakup, it’s almost certain each partner let the other one down in some way, so there is truth in the idea you were partly responsible, no matter which side of the breakup you were on.
Sidebar: The other thing you have to keep in mind is that sometimes couples really are incompatible: sometimes it’s not possible for a couple to live together in a healthy way, either because they simply can’t meet each other’s needs, or because one partner has needs which are not healthy. (For example, if he or she expects you to be a substitute parent to their inner child, that’s not so great. You can’t possibly do that. You’ll never save your marriage if it’s based on that kind of dynamic… something else has to change first.)
The essence of sending a message like that and the sentiment behind it is this: you are declaring you know you have to work on yourself (whether you regard yourself as the one who’s to blame or not). For the truth, as I said, is you’re almost certainly both to blame for the break up to some extent.
Hence, we say, the first part of the process is to avoid contact, relax, calm down, and get some perspective.
Do not do anything to chase, harass, follow, contact or surprise your ex. And don’t start taking drugs, drinking too heavily, pouring your troubles out to every friend who will listen to you, and avoid feeling sorry for yourself. Above all, don’t get out your contact book and start phoning up your other exes and trying to persuade them to get back with you! How wrong-headed is that!!
Just chill. This is not the time to make rational decisions, because you’re really not rational. The very fact that you’re feeling the way you’re feeling demonstrates that you’re not handling your emotional life very well. This might feel like a painful shot below the belt, but it’s true.
Feeling that your life is over after a breakup is a sign of emotional immaturity and desperation, not self-confidence, clarity and strength.
That’s especially true if you’ve been acting out your anger against your partner by showing them or telling them what a rotten individual they are. That’s (probably) not true, and in any case, the fact you’ve been doing it shows you’re not emotionally ready to go back into relationship yet. And that’s especially true where your anger is concerned.