Women: how to get back together with an ex boyfriend.

Some advice suggests not contacting your ex for 30 days after a break up, no matter how much you want them back.

The idea is that this is a “cooling off period” which can let the heat die down. That way, the strong emotions, mostly anger or sadness, can damp down a little bit so it’s easier to talk.

Thirty Days Away From Your Ex?

But every situation is different, so you need to make a judgement about what’s best for you and your ex-partner. But it may be a good idea to give an ex partner (and the relationship) some time and space after you’ve broken up.

If you have time and space apart, you can cry. You can give yourself some treats. You can spend time with friends. And you can reflect a bit and get some distance from the relationship.

After all, you never know – you might actually decide you don’t want to get back together with your ex!

But above all, remember you broke up for a reason, and even if it wasn’t entirely your fault, you may have done something that contributed to the breakup.

Video – How To Deal With A Break-up

So here’s the question: what kind of contact are you going to make, whether it’s 10 days or 30 days after the breakup?

Well, maybe that depends on whether you broke up the relationship or he did.

If you broke it up, and you know you want your ex back, the best way is to approach him in an Adult fashion. (When I say Adult I’m talking about Adult ego state – which means a mature, balanced, emotionally stable position.) This is why you might want to wait 30 days before making contact. 

So how are you going to get yourself into an emotionally stable Adult position and talk to him rationally?

One great approach is shadow work. This is a form of counselling and therapy which can help you to understand why you broke up in the first place. Basically it looks at what drivers, motivations, feelings and beliefs you have. Many of these are in “shadow” i.e. in the unconscious. But they can still control your feelings and behaviour. So to have a therapist help you dig them out and change them can be a great step on the road to Adult awareness and emotional maturity. And then, when you feel ready, you can…

Try a good old-fashioned method of communication: a letter.

You see, the thing about a letter is that you can compose it calmly and rationally, you can take your time, and you can rewrite it if it’s all going wrong.

You can express your heartfelt desire to get your ex back, while the same time avoiding pleading, begging, whinging, whining, and apologizing.

You might want to say you’re sad. You might want to say you know you’ve made a mistake. You might want to explain the mistakes you made that led you to end the relationship.

Once you’ve done all that and you’ve communicated it to him, you really have to sit back and trust.

Your ex has a mind of his own, and he’s going to decide whether or not he wants to get back together with you. That is, regardless of what you do or say.

And he doesn’t have to explain his actions to you.

If you think he does, and pursue him accordingly, then you’re beginning to look like a stalker. And that’s no way to approach the tricky subject of discovering how to get your ex partner back!

If he responds favourably, then meet for a brief chat over a coffee, somewhere time-limited. That way, you don’t get wrapped up in a deep, long conversation about what went wrong – that comes later.

At this stage, you’re only interested in re-establishing connection and communication. 

If he doesn’t respond favourably, then you might have to accept you’re not going to be able to get your ex back. Even if you want a relationship with this man, it might not be going to happen.

Certainly the worst thing you can do is pursue him. Let things rest, and then maybe a few weeks later try again. (“I was just flicking through my address book, and I saw your name. That brought back memories of all the good times we had together, and I just wondered how you are.”)

What if he did the “dumping”?

Well, this is more tricky. You don’t know why he dumped you, unless he explicitly told you in great detail at the time. And because people say things they don’t mean when they’re angry, it’s quite possible you were hurt deeply when he dumped you.

So there’s an issue here about the way you were treated. Do you feel it’s OK to go back to the man who dumped you. If so, how do you think you’re going to feel when you’re back together with him, if he starts to treat you the same way again?

Video – Getting Out Of A One-sided Relationship

But assuming that’s OK, the best course of action if you were dumped is NOT to initiate any contact.

Shock horror! That’s right, not to initiate any contact, but to wait for him to get in touch with you. The logic here is simple: if he dumped you, and he doesn’t get in touch, then he clearly doesn’t want you back. And, worse, it’s possible he doesn’t value you very much either. This is not a recipe for a successful relationship. You might be better off looking elsewhere.

But suppose he realises he’s made the worst mistake of his life. Imagine he wants to get back in touch with you because he misses you. Well, then you need to be ready to respond to his approach without pursuing him.

(Pursuing him is asking questions about why he dumped you, how you and he felt, what he was thinking… and all the rest of that stuff. Again, this comes later.)

So to recap, if he contacts you in some way, you’re going to be responsive, you’re not going to display any bitterness, and you’re going to keep your feelings to yourself; however, the one thing that you really do need to make clear is that you’re NOT mad at him.

If you are angry, this isn’t time to express that feeling. Most likely, it will only lead to another argument. And that can disrupt any hope you have of getting your relationship with your ex back together.

Let’s face it, if you want to get back together with your ex, you presumably love him, and therefore you can presumably hold off on expressing your feelings, be they pain, grief, or anger, until a little bit later?

What you need to do right now, to get him back on side, is to show him that you want him back by being friendly and positive towards him – even if you’re really hurting inside!

Read Part 2 of this post here.