How To Capture A Man’s Heart

In short: Avoid These Sexual Myths – They Can Mess Up Your Sex Life!


One of the reasons why people find that they are having less sex than they would like, in a long term committed relationship, is that they hold some faulty sexual beliefs.

I call them sexual myths, which are simply faulty beliefs that can gradually erode your sexual self-confidence, weaken your sexual pleasure, and reduce how often you have sex.

Some of these sexual myths are listed below, in no particular order. If you find that any of these match your own beliefs then we encourage you to examine them carefully to check out how true they actually are for you in your relationship.

In most cases you will find, with a little examination, that these faulty sexual beliefs are holding you back from achieving your full sexual potential.

Faulty Belief 1

Good sex is all about sex techniques and positions.

Trying out lots of “adventurous” sexual techniques and positions can be a substitute for sexual feeling. It can also show you’re preoccupied with technique at the expense of connection with your lover. This may let you show off a technically skilled performance during sex, but it may also take away much of the satisfaction and pleasure, and indeed the intimacy, of sex.

It’s a mistake to allow yourself to be deluded into thinking that all you need to have good sex is a repertoire of sexual techniques and positions. After all, “doing sex” is not a substitute for “being in sex”.

You can build your own sexual pleasure by engaging in intimate acts that increase your sexual arousal. You can also allow your sexual actions to flow from your arousal rather than the other way round.

There are men whose sex life is about sexual conquest, about satisfaction gained from having many women sexually. Such men may not have a high sexual drive, but rather a need to prove their desirability or sexual prowess, or they may be trying to boost their self-esteem.

And the myth of the “real man” who can seduce almost any woman he chooses is an interesting one: it’s not a myth in the sense that there are men who fulfil that stereotype. But it is a myth in the sense that sexual satisfaction is very rarely achieved by innumerable conquests. If it were, there would be no need for ever-more sexual conquests!

Embodied sexual pleasure

A man who is driven by his need for sexual conquest is rarely in touch with his own sense of sexual pleasure, and his lovers rarely feel that they are making love with a complete person. There is a sense of being with a technician, perhaps even an automaton. He may be thrusting away hard and fast, using great sexual techniques, but he is no more human than a vibrator! It’s like a performance!

However, I would also add that in some cases, such sexual behaviour in men is driven by delayed ejaculation. This is the inability to ejaculate during sex, which is caused by emotional or psychological issues. These can include anger towards women, withholding connection from women, and resentment towards one’s sexual partner. 

It’s hardly a recipe for happy or fulfilling sex. What this means in practice is that you do not have to be a master of technique to know how …

… how to be a good lover.

A good lover is a lover who is in touch with himself and his feelings and his partner’s needs. He is a lover who knows enough to vary the format of sex. He knows how to bring his or her partner to orgasm, and how to take his or her own pleasure, and he will also feel confident about how he and his partner enjoy sex.

As you can imagine, that’s a more likely recipe for both long term faithfulness and long term sexual pleasure. (Footnote: this makes interesting reading.)

Faulty Belief 2

It is the man’s “job” to give the woman an orgasm during intercourse.

Women who believe this are likely to have high expectations of their lover. He in turn, is likely to be a polished performer. Unfortunately both of the partners are likely to see sex as something that is “done” by the one to the other, rather than as a mutually enjoyable and intimate exercise in human relationships.

The couple may not even realize that there are plenty of other ways to reach orgasm than through intercourse. When a man and a woman have such unreasonably high expectations, they are very likely to lose interest in sex at some point because of the lack of emotional connection between them. Many men are fixated on the idea that they need to give their partner an orgasm, and preferably through sexual intercourse.

But what happens if his partner des not have an orgasm? Needless to say, the fault will lie with his partner, which will feel blaming to her. This will destroy intimacy. And the chance of re-establishing intimacy and deepening their sexual relationship are both reduced.

The corollary of this is that the partner the female partner may feel that she is a failure because she’s not having an orgasm.

She may know that it is possible to enjoy sex without an orgasm, but this makes no difference. Neither she nor her partner get pleasure from sex: he feels like a failure if she does not have an orgasm, and she feels like a failure because she thinks she has let him down. The key here is good communication.

Good communication during sex

It’s even possible that the couple may come to believe that orgasm somehow expresses “power” within the relationship.

So, if she does not have an orgasm she is holding something back from him; if he does not “give her” an orgasm he is holding something back from her. Every sexual encounter then becomes an ordeal in which both partners are being tested for their sexual competence and generosity.

Very few women in fact reach orgasm through intercourse alone. The majority of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation which takes place either before, after, or perhaps even during intercourse itself.

For a woman to reach orgasm through vaginal penetration and thrusting by her partner, without the adjunct of clitoral stimulation, is quite uncommon, and requires the man to have rather more staying power than is normal.

Indeed it is quite likely that a man who can thrust for long enough to give his partner an orgasm during intercourse may be experiencing a condition known as delayed ejaculation. This is one of the more compelling signs that a man’s approach to sex is performance oriented.

One answer for a couple trapped in this situation is for them to become more sensual, more relaxed, and more intimate through exercises focusing on closeness and touching. These are the real ways in which a deep relationship can be established, a heart-felt relationship in which the couple truly love each other. And isn’t that what we all want in our deepest hearts?

Faulty Belief 3

Men “Demand” Sex and Women “Give” Sex.

This is a myth that still exists in many relationships, simply because it is so deeply ingrained into the fabric of our society and culture.

This may sound like an astonishing assertion in this day and age. However, there is plenty of evidence that even when couples share much of the housework and childcare, there are still old cultural forces at work inside the bedroom.

Any woman who was brought up with the idea that it was a woman’s duty to care for her man may well believe that she needs to provide him with sex whenever he wants it. And of course there are plenty of reasons why, even today, women feel obliged to provide sex to their man: for one thing, it can stop him straying. In other words, it will stop him finding a more obliging, easily available woman who will provide him with sex whenever he wants it.

But there is a problem with any relationship that depends on the woman giving sex to her man when he wants it: there is an implicit obligation on the woman to have sex in response to the man’s demands. And that is not likely to be the kind of sex that she will enjoy. But even if she doesn’t enjoy it, she may feel obliged to act as though she does. And here, unfortunately, is the beginning of the faked orgasm. And the beginning of the faked orgasm is the end of honesty around sex in the relationship. And that is probably the end of mutually satisfying sex. (Or at least the hope of achieving mutually enjoyable and satisfying sex.)

Read more here.

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