Open Marriage

In 1972 a book by Nena and George O’Neill called Open Marriage. This created quite a stir,as it described marital relationships where the couple lived together, loved and cared for each other but were flexible with regard to relationships with other people.

In an open marriage each partner (with the consent of the other) has the freedom to establish other emotional relationships, which may or may not include sex. These relationships are not intended to interfere with the marital relationship. If this seems unlikely, and you would like to read about the kind of issues which may determine such actions, this book on human psychology will reveal many of the possibilities to you.

Partners in an open marriage want the opportunity to explore friendships, interests and experiences which might not be possible within the context of traditional monogamy.

There are no solid statistics on the numbers of couples in open marriages, nor on how they eventually work out. It is certain, however, that open marriages are best handled by mature, resolved and autonomous people in a sexual relationship that is solidly established.”

Q. “I know a couple, married for over 20 years, and they are into an open marriage. They seem happy together, honest with each other and very relaxed about it all. Can this be as it looks or are they putting on an act?”

A: “I know several couples with the same characteristics. They are confident, trusting and extremely mature, and appear to handle easily the complexity of the several relationships that each has.

One couple interviews as a couple any new person who may wish to start a relationship with one of them to see if he or she is the type of person who can handle such a relationship and make it clear that their marriage is the primary relationship.

They discuss emotions and commitment and so define the nature of their relationships. I also know a couple who tried an open marriage but were unable to do so because their young children became confused and anxious over the various ‘friends’ their parents had. Privacy away from home was difficult for the couple to arrange, so they decided to wait until their children got older before pursuing their plan.”

Extramarital Affairs

There is no evidence to support the widespread belief that almost everyone is having extramarital sex. Indeed, the majority of women and men questioned about their attitude to extramarital sex disapprove of it.

In his book Sexual Behavior in the 1970s, Hunt concluded that there had been no significant change in the numbers of people having extramarital sex since Kinsey did his research. Hunt suggests that the seeming sexual liberation of adults today has made a greater impact on premarital and marital sexual acts rather than encouraging widespread extramarital sexual activity.

In the Redbook Report, of 100,000 married women surveyed, fewer than one out of three had had an extramarital sexual affair. Of the exclusively monogamous women in the survey, 62 percent indicated they never had a desire for an extramarital affair. Many of those who were interested in having an affair stated that they had serious problems in their marriages.

Q: “What do the experts say about the effects of extramarital affairs on relationships?”

A: “There is disagreement, but the majority tend to view extra marital sex as threatening a marriage. Each case must be evaluated individually before a judgment can be made, while others indicate that extramarital sex can have a positive, enriching effect on the primary relationship. 

I do not agree with the experts who believe extramarital sex is the way to adapt to our difficult and complicated present day culture. Nor do I believe that an affair is always indicative of a problem marriage and/or a problem personality. But if the person who has the affair says it has helped the relationship then who are we to judge? Loving relationships may sometimes need affairs to make them better and help them to stay together.”

Q. “After about ten years of marriage, I had a brief affair. I guess I wanted to see if I could still attract someone. Anyway, I ended it quickly and I was relieved that it was over. It felt good getting completely back to my relationship.”

A: “It is a familiar phenomenon that toward the end of the first decade of a monogamous marriage one of the partners wants to have an affair – the ‘seven year itch.’ Checking out his or her ability to attract a sex partner, wanting to try a new experience and wanting to see if they are missing anything are the reasons usually given.

If entered into, these affairs are usually brief, generally do not cause a major crisis in the primary relationship and some people describe them as experiences that make the marriage closer and stronger. This is not to encourage such behavior because the guilt, anger and humiliation that extramarital affairs commonly produce can easily have a negative effect on a relationship.”

Divorce

In the US, Europe and in many other parts of the world, divorce has been on the increase in recent years. The rising number of divorces is not an indication that the institution of marriage is being rejected, as the majority of divorced people remarry (four out of five of first-time divorced people within five years).

This has led some authorities to use the term “Serial monogamy” to describe a marriage-divorce-remarriage-divorce-remarriage pattern.

The frequency of divorce today has led some people to observe that the moral fiber of society is deteriorating. They believe that commitments are no longer honored and worked at; accordingly, at the very first sign of conflict a couple will seek a divorce with all its attendant distress to children and to the parents.

It is doubtful that this is an accurate view of the situation. There have always been people who were dissatisfied in their marriages, but the legal barriers, financial burdens and their anxieties bout the effects of divorce on the children frequently prevented divorce from taking place. Today, however, legal restrictions have been reduced.

And there is a real question about the advisability of a couple’s remaining together for the sake of the children if they are truly unhappy together. The stigma once attached to divorce has also diminished greatly.

One of the major adjustments divorced women and men must make in the regularity of their sexual expression with partners. However, divorced men and women resume active sex lives during their divorced period. Men often return to their usual level of activity and in some cases they have sex slightly more frequently than married men of the same age.

Women, too, return to an active sex life during their divorced period and in one study were found to have orgasm more frequently than when they were married.

Q. “It’s been a while now since my divorce and I am still not comfortable about having sex. The memories of my last relationship still hang heavy on me. Am I being foolish about this?”

A: “No. It is very common for a person in your situation to be apprehensive about entering an intimate relationship with another person. This is especially so if your previous relationship caused you suffering and conflict. Some divorced men and women want their feelings to settle before they start up a new relationship.

Usually there is a time in a new relationship when you feel it is right to include the sexual dimension, but you should act on these feelings only when you feel ready, and not rush yourself or be forced to act in a way that is not comfortable.”

Q: “Right after I got divorced I had sex with just about everyone I went out with. After a while it was just a bore and I began wondering if there was something wrong with me. I’m feeling better now, but was that an unusual situation?”

A: “Some divorced women and men deal with the crisis and self-doubt that a divorce frequently produces by having sex compulsively to prove they are still attractive and sometimes for other complex psychological reasons. This quickly loses its attraction for some people – as for you. Many formerly married people then look for a stable relationship in which sex is a natural part of an overall interaction, not the primary feature of the relationship.”

Q. “Is it true that sexual problems are the reason for most divorces?”

A “No. Sexual problems are not the principal reason for divorce. Problems in a marriage frequently surface in the couple’s sex life since this is a couple’s most intimate way of relating; general anger, hostility and immaturity can easily emerge here, making it appear that the problem is solely sexual.

However, divorces are more frequently caused by subtle combinations of factors that lead to a general incompatibility. Sex may be a problem in itself, but there is a very good chance that sexual difficulties are actually symptoms of problems in one or other personality or in the relationship.”

Q: “What does co-parenting mean?”

A: “Co-parenting is another term for joint custody of the children of separating or divorcing parents. Simply put, it means that after the parents are separated or divorced they will share custody equally. Such an arrangement requires agreement by the children (if able) and a plan that is acceptable to the legal authorities.

While some people are doubtful about the value of co-parenting, more and more parents who are able are choosing this option rather than the sole-custody-plus-visitation-rights agreements of the past.