Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back (part 2)

If you have broken up, then you need to be doing something different to make the relationship work second time around. 

How To Encourage Your Ex To Come Back

What you could do, assuming the lines of communication are open, is write a letter of apology. This lets you take responsibility – where necessary! That is, responsibility for the things you did which contributed to the relationship breakup. Here is an example of that kind of letter:

Dear John,

I’m really sad that we’ve broken up, and I’d like to have another go. I know there are things I can take responsibility for which contributed to the breakup. I know I’ve not always been as intimate with you as I wanted to be, and in some cases I’ve even pushed you away.

Please forgive me for this, because I’m ready to learn how to do things differently in the future. I take full responsibility for my part in the breakup. I’m really interested to learn how to do things differently, and I hope that together you and I can move forward, with a new perspective on how to do things better.

Some of the mistakes I’ve made, which I’ve identified so far are

• complaining too much when things don’t suit me
• looking to you to make me happy
• not taking enough responsibility for my own emotions
• getting mad when I think you don’t want to be with me, even though I know you just need space for yourself
• not asking for what I need, and then getting angry at you 
• expecting you to read my mind

I believe I can approach some of these things differently, John, and I hope you can come with me for a cup of coffee so we can talk about them.

So here’s the thing: if you really want to get back together with your ex you have to accept that the discussion is all about what YOU can do differently. Right now, the way he’s seeing it, you broke the relationship up by behaving the way you did.

He’s probably not ready yet to take responsibility for his part in the breakup. Even though we all know that he must’ve played a part! (Even if that was just simply not setting the boundaries around what was acceptable behavior from you.)

You might be wondering how much time and space he really needs before you can get back together with him and expect things to be a success. Answer: your best chance of getting back together with your ex, i.e. getting your ex back, is to give him lots of space now.

You see, space and time apart allows people to become less dependent on each other. It allows them to break the patterns of co-dependency which contributed to the break-up in the first place. Once you stop feeling needy, you can begin to experience your love for somebody (your ex, for example!) much more clearly.

So in other words, space and time can help you recover your feelings of love for your ex partner.

All that aside, space and time apart will also help him to recover his feelings of love for you.

Keep in mind this isn’t a one-way process. We know you want to know how to get your ex back, but bear in mind that he also needs to be willing to reconnect with you, and to do that, he’s certainly going to need to release feelings of anger, blame and shame that he holds: he may be angry at you or blaming you for the breakup, and he may be ashamed that he dumped you.

Video – how to get your ex boyfriend back

In your time apart, you need to be working on yourself, so you can transform the part of you which is over-dependent on your ex lover. You can become more self-sufficient, you can grow stronger, and you can learn that in fact, yes, you can manage on your own without him.

And don’t forget, even if you’re not together, as long as you’re feeling love towards him he will sense that at some level.

For as long as you’re feeling hurt, angry, sad, then he’s going to feel that you’re blaming him. You need to heal yourself, release your blame, bitterness and other feelings, and understand that you were partly responsible for the break-up of the relationship before you will be able to get back together with your ex.

And as you free yourself from these feelings, so your ex partner is freed to love you more openly and cleanly (i.e. free of guilt or shame).

We have to keep in mind that a breakup, a relationship coming to an end, is an opportunity to rebuild things in a different way – hopefully with the expression of greater love and a greater chance of success for the two of you in the future.

Remember at this stage you have two choices: to get back together and to make things better, or to abandon your previous relationship, leave your ex-lover, and move onto a new relationship. Either of these choices, no matter how you feel right now, is an opportunity to build a better and more loving relationship in the future.

Keep in mind the possibility that your ex partner is NOT the man who can make you happy.

And as you probably very well aware, if you feel that he has to change in order for you to be happy, this relationship isn’t going to be any better or much different second time round. In which case, you’re better off out of it.

n the other hand, if you know that you really can be happy with this man, and you’re not asking him to change, and you’re not demanding more from him than he can give you, then yes, of course there’s a chance it can work.

And finally, remember that any breakup of relationship, no matter how painful it might seem at the time it happens, is a wonderful way of moving into a better / new / different relationship where you have more intimacy, more success at loving, and more success at being loved.