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aspects of shadow work

Understanding Relationship Dynamics With Shadow Work

As a man, I would like to know how shadow work could help me restore my relationship with my female partner?

Shadow work is a psychological concept that involves exploring and integrating the hidden or unconscious aspects of oneself. It’s a process of self-discovery that can lead to personal growth and improved relationships. In the context of restoring a relationship with your female partner, engaging in shadow work can be a valuable tool. Here are some ways in which shadow work might help:

Self-awareness: Shadow work encourages self-reflection and awareness of your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. By understanding your unconscious patterns, you can gain insight into how they may be impacting your relationship. This awareness is crucial for making positive changes.

Identifying triggers: Shadow work involves exploring your emotional triggers and understanding where they come from. This can help you recognize situations or behaviors that provoke strong emotional reactions. By identifying these triggers, you can work on responding more consciously rather than reacting based on unresolved issues.

Taking responsibility: Shadow work emphasizes taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions. Instead of projecting negative qualities onto your partner, you can recognize and address your own contributions to relationship challenges. This can create a more constructive and accountable dynamic.

Communication: Engaging in shadow work often involves developing better communication skills. As you become more aware of your emotions and thoughts, you can express them more effectively to your partner. Honest and open communication is crucial for resolving conflicts and fostering understanding.

Empathy: Shadow work can help you develop empathy by understanding and accepting both your own and your partner’s shadow aspects. This deeper understanding can lead to increased compassion and a more supportive approach in the relationship.

Healing past wounds: Shadow work often involves exploring past experiences and traumas that may be influencing your current behavior. By addressing and healing these wounds, you can prevent them from negatively impacting your relationship.

Balancing masculine and feminine energies: Shadow work can help you explore and balance both your masculine and feminine qualities. Understanding and integrating these aspects of yourself can contribute to a healthier and more harmonious dynamic in your relationship.

It’s important to note that shadow work is a personal journey, and it may be beneficial for both partners to engage in the process independently. However, sharing insights gained through shadow work can foster mutual understanding and create a foundation for growth within the relationship. Additionally, couples therapy or counseling may complement individual shadow work efforts by providing a supportive environment for exploring and addressing relationship dynamics.

How are the archetypes of King Warrior Magician and Lover involved in shadow work?

The archetypes of the King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover, explained by Rod Boothroyd in his book “Warrior, Magician, Lover, King: A Guide to the Male Archetypes Updated for the 21st Century“,  can play a significant role in shadow work. These archetypes represent different aspects of mature masculinity, and exploring them in the context of shadow work can provide insights into unconscious patterns and areas for personal growth. Here’s how each archetype may be involved in the process:

King Archetype

Positive Attributes: The King archetype represents qualities of leadership, wisdom, and benevolent authority. In a positive expression, the King is just, responsible, and focused on the well-being of the community.
Shadow Aspects: The shadow side of the King may involve authoritarianism, a fear of power, or a reluctance to take on leadership roles. Shadow work related to the King might explore issues of self-worth, responsibility, and the fear of one’s own power.

Warrior Archetype

Positive Attributes: The Warrior archetype embodies qualities of discipline, courage, and a commitment to protecting what is important. In a positive expression, the Warrior is focused, determined, and honorable.
Shadow Aspects: The shadow side of the Warrior may involve aggression, brutality, or a tendency to be overly controlling. Shadow work related to the Warrior might explore issues of anger management, the fear of vulnerability, or distorted views of strength.

Magician Archetype

Positive Attributes: The Magician archetype represents wisdom, insight, and transformative power. In a positive expression, the Magician is visionary, creative, and able to facilitate change.
Shadow Aspects: The shadow side of the Magician may involve manipulation, deception, or a fear of one’s own power to create change. Shadow work related to the Magician might explore issues of self-deception, fears around personal potential, and the responsible use of power.

Lover Archetype

Positive Attributes: The Lover archetype embodies qualities of passion, connection, and emotional depth. In a positive expression, the Lover is sensual, compassionate, and capable of forming intimate connections.
Shadow Aspects: The shadow side of the Lover may involve possessiveness, addiction, or a fear of intimacy. Shadow work related to the Lover might explore issues of self-love, fears of rejection, and patterns of unhealthy attachment.

In the context of shadow work, individuals may explore how these archetypes manifest in their lives, both in positive and negative ways. The process involves recognizing and integrating the shadow aspects associated with each archetype. This might include examining past experiences, traumas, or societal influences that have shaped these archetypal patterns.

By understanding and integrating the shadow aspects of the King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover, individuals can develop a more balanced and mature expression of masculinity. This, in turn, can positively impact personal relationships, as well as contribute to a greater sense of self-awareness and authenticity. Engaging in this exploration with the support of a therapist or through other reflective practices can enhance the effectiveness of the shadow work process.

Would shadow work help my female partner amd myself understand relationship dynamics better?

Absolutely, engaging in shadow work can be beneficial for both you and your female partner in gaining a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics. Here’s how it can contribute to this process:

Increased Self-Awareness: Shadow work encourages individuals to explore their own thoughts, emotions, and patterns of behavior. By gaining greater self-awareness, both you and your partner can understand how your individual histories, beliefs, and unresolved issues contribute to the dynamics in the relationship.

Identifying Triggers and Patterns: Shadow work involves examining emotional triggers and patterns that may be rooted in past experiences. Recognizing these triggers can help both partners understand why certain situations evoke strong reactions. This awareness allows for more conscious responses and a reduction in reactive behaviors.

Communication Improvement: Effective communication is crucial in any relationship. Shadow work can enhance communication skills by helping individuals express their feelings and needs more clearly. It also promotes active listening, allowing both partners to understand each other on a deeper level.

Empathy and Understanding: Through shadow work, individuals can develop empathy by acknowledging and accepting not only their partner’s shadow aspects but also their own. This understanding fosters compassion and helps create a more supportive and empathetic relationship.

Balancing Energies: Shadow work often involves exploring and integrating both masculine and feminine qualities within oneself. This balance can contribute to a healthier dynamic in the relationship by recognizing and appreciating the diverse qualities each partner brings.

Healing Wounds: Shadow work provides an opportunity to address past wounds and traumas that may be affecting the relationship. Healing these wounds individually can lead to a more secure and stable foundation for the relationship as a whole.

Promoting Growth and Adaptability: As individuals engage in shadow work, they may discover areas for personal growth. This growth can positively influence the relationship by creating a more adaptable and resilient partnership.

While shadow work is often an individual process, couples can benefit from openly sharing their insights and experiences. This shared exploration can lead to mutual understanding and help create a foundation for growth and development within the relationship.

It’s important to note that engaging in this process may require time, patience, and a commitment from both partners. If the challenges in the relationship feel overwhelming, seeking the guidance of a couples therapist or counselor who is familiar with shadow work can provide additional support and facilitate a more constructive exploration of relationship dynamics.

What might shadow work involve?

Shadow work involves delving into the unconscious or less conscious aspects of oneself to gain insight into hidden thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This process is derived from Jungian psychology and involves exploring the “shadow,” which represents the parts of the psyche that are often suppressed, denied, or hidden. Here are some key components of the human shadow and shadow work:

Self-Reflection: Shadow work begins with self-reflection and introspection. This involves taking the time to examine your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors without judgment. Journaling, meditation, and mindfulness practices are often used to facilitate self-reflection.

Identifying Shadows: Shadows are the aspects of yourself that you may find uncomfortable, unacceptable, or challenging. These can include repressed emotions, fears, desires, and unresolved issues from the past. Identifying these shadows is a crucial step in the process.

Exploring Triggers: Emotional triggers are cues that provoke strong emotional reactions. Shadow work involves exploring these triggers to understand the underlying issues or wounds they may be connected to. This can provide insights into patterns of behavior and reactions.

Dream Analysis: Dreams are seen as a window into the unconscious mind. Analyzing dreams can be a part of shadow work, helping individuals uncover hidden aspects of themselves and gain a deeper understanding of their psychological landscape.

Integration: The ultimate goal of shadow work is not to eliminate the shadow but to integrate its lessons and wisdom into one’s conscious awareness. This involves accepting and embracing the shadow aspects rather than repressing or denying them.

Acceptance and Compassion: Shadow work requires a compassionate attitude toward oneself. It’s about accepting that everyone has imperfections, vulnerabilities, and darker aspects. Self-compassion is crucial for the healing and integration process.

Therapeutic Techniques: Many individuals engage in shadow work with the assistance of therapeutic techniques. This could include working with a therapist, counselor, or using therapeutic modalities such as art therapy, psycho-drama, or somatic experiencing.

Mindfulness Practices: Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and breathwork, can be beneficial for staying present and observing thoughts and emotions without attachment or judgment. Mindfulness helps individuals become more aware of their internal landscape.

Inner Child Work: Exploring and healing the wounds from childhood is often a part of shadow work. This involves connecting with the inner child and addressing unresolved emotions and experiences from the past.

Counseling or Therapy: Many people find it helpful to engage in shadow work with the guidance of a mental health professional. Therapists trained in Jungian psychology or other modalities may assist individuals in exploring and integrating their shadows.

Remember that shadow work is a personal journey, and the specific techniques and approaches can vary from person to person. It’s a process that requires self-compassion, patience, and a commitment to personal growth. If you find the process challenging, seeking support from a mental health professional can be beneficial.

styles of loving

Styles of Relationship

Open Marriage

In 1972 a book by Nena and George O’Neill called Open Marriage. This created quite a stir,as it described marital relationships where the couple lived together, loved and cared for each other but were flexible with regard to relationships with other people.

In an open marriage each partner (with the consent of the other) has the freedom to establish other emotional relationships, which may or may not include sex. These relationships are not intended to interfere with the marital relationship. If this seems unlikely, and you would like to read about the kind of issues which may determine such actions, this book on human psychology will reveal many of the possibilities to you.

Partners in an open marriage want the opportunity to explore friendships, interests and experiences which might not be possible within the context of traditional monogamy.

There are no solid statistics on the numbers of couples in open marriages, nor on how they eventually work out. It is certain, however, that open marriages are best handled by mature, resolved and autonomous people in a sexual relationship that is solidly established.”

Q. “I know a couple, married for over 20 years, and they are into an open marriage. They seem happy together, honest with each other and very relaxed about it all. Can this be as it looks or are they putting on an act?”

A: “I know several couples with the same characteristics. They are confident, trusting and extremely mature, and appear to handle easily the complexity of the several relationships that each has.

One couple interviews as a couple any new person who may wish to start a relationship with one of them to see if he or she is the type of person who can handle such a relationship and make it clear that their marriage is the primary relationship.

They discuss emotions and commitment and so define the nature of their relationships. I also know a couple who tried an open marriage but were unable to do so because their young children became confused and anxious over the various ‘friends’ their parents had. Privacy away from home was difficult for the couple to arrange, so they decided to wait until their children got older before pursuing their plan.”

Extramarital Affairs

There is no evidence to support the widespread belief that almost everyone is having extramarital sex. Indeed, the majority of women and men questioned about their attitude to extramarital sex disapprove of it.

In his book Sexual Behavior in the 1970s, Hunt concluded that there had been no significant change in the numbers of people having extramarital sex since Kinsey did his research. Hunt suggests that the seeming sexual liberation of adults today has made a greater impact on premarital and marital sexual acts rather than encouraging widespread extramarital sexual activity.

In the Redbook Report, of 100,000 married women surveyed, fewer than one out of three had had an extramarital sexual affair. Of the exclusively monogamous women in the survey, 62 percent indicated they never had a desire for an extramarital affair. Many of those who were interested in having an affair stated that they had serious problems in their marriages.

Q: “What do the experts say about the effects of extramarital affairs on relationships?”

A: “There is disagreement, but the majority tend to view extra marital sex as threatening a marriage. Each case must be evaluated individually before a judgment can be made, while others indicate that extramarital sex can have a positive, enriching effect on the primary relationship. 

I do not agree with the experts who believe extramarital sex is the way to adapt to our difficult and complicated present day culture. Nor do I believe that an affair is always indicative of a problem marriage and/or a problem personality. But if the person who has the affair says it has helped the relationship then who are we to judge? Loving relationships may sometimes need affairs to make them better and help them to stay together.”

Q. “After about ten years of marriage, I had a brief affair. I guess I wanted to see if I could still attract someone. Anyway, I ended it quickly and I was relieved that it was over. It felt good getting completely back to my relationship.”

A: “It is a familiar phenomenon that toward the end of the first decade of a monogamous marriage one of the partners wants to have an affair – the ‘seven year itch.’ Checking out his or her ability to attract a sex partner, wanting to try a new experience and wanting to see if they are missing anything are the reasons usually given.

If entered into, these affairs are usually brief, generally do not cause a major crisis in the primary relationship and some people describe them as experiences that make the marriage closer and stronger. This is not to encourage such behavior because the guilt, anger and humiliation that extramarital affairs commonly produce can easily have a negative effect on a relationship.”

Divorce

In the US, Europe and in many other parts of the world, divorce has been on the increase in recent years. The rising number of divorces is not an indication that the institution of marriage is being rejected, as the majority of divorced people remarry (four out of five of first-time divorced people within five years).

This has led some authorities to use the term “Serial monogamy” to describe a marriage-divorce-remarriage-divorce-remarriage pattern.

The frequency of divorce today has led some people to observe that the moral fiber of society is deteriorating. They believe that commitments are no longer honored and worked at; accordingly, at the very first sign of conflict a couple will seek a divorce with all its attendant distress to children and to the parents.

It is doubtful that this is an accurate view of the situation. There have always been people who were dissatisfied in their marriages, but the legal barriers, financial burdens and their anxieties bout the effects of divorce on the children frequently prevented divorce from taking place. Today, however, legal restrictions have been reduced.

And there is a real question about the advisability of a couple’s remaining together for the sake of the children if they are truly unhappy together. The stigma once attached to divorce has also diminished greatly.

One of the major adjustments divorced women and men must make in the regularity of their sexual expression with partners. However, divorced men and women resume active sex lives during their divorced period. Men often return to their usual level of activity and in some cases they have sex slightly more frequently than married men of the same age.

Women, too, return to an active sex life during their divorced period and in one study were found to have orgasm more frequently than when they were married.

Q. “It’s been a while now since my divorce and I am still not comfortable about having sex. The memories of my last relationship still hang heavy on me. Am I being foolish about this?”

A: “No. It is very common for a person in your situation to be apprehensive about entering an intimate relationship with another person. This is especially so if your previous relationship caused you suffering and conflict. Some divorced men and women want their feelings to settle before they start up a new relationship.

Usually there is a time in a new relationship when you feel it is right to include the sexual dimension, but you should act on these feelings only when you feel ready, and not rush yourself or be forced to act in a way that is not comfortable.”

Q: “Right after I got divorced I had sex with just about everyone I went out with. After a while it was just a bore and I began wondering if there was something wrong with me. I’m feeling better now, but was that an unusual situation?”

A: “Some divorced women and men deal with the crisis and self-doubt that a divorce frequently produces by having sex compulsively to prove they are still attractive and sometimes for other complex psychological reasons. This quickly loses its attraction for some people – as for you. Many formerly married people then look for a stable relationship in which sex is a natural part of an overall interaction, not the primary feature of the relationship.”

Q. “Is it true that sexual problems are the reason for most divorces?”

A “No. Sexual problems are not the principal reason for divorce. Problems in a marriage frequently surface in the couple’s sex life since this is a couple’s most intimate way of relating; general anger, hostility and immaturity can easily emerge here, making it appear that the problem is solely sexual.

However, divorces are more frequently caused by subtle combinations of factors that lead to a general incompatibility. Sex may be a problem in itself, but there is a very good chance that sexual difficulties are actually symptoms of problems in one or other personality or in the relationship.”

Q: “What does co-parenting mean?”

A: “Co-parenting is another term for joint custody of the children of separating or divorcing parents. Simply put, it means that after the parents are separated or divorced they will share custody equally. Such an arrangement requires agreement by the children (if able) and a plan that is acceptable to the legal authorities.

While some people are doubtful about the value of co-parenting, more and more parents who are able are choosing this option rather than the sole-custody-plus-visitation-rights agreements of the past.

getting your ex boyfriend back

Getting Your Ex Back – Advice For Women

Get Back Together!

You want to know how to get your ex back? Good. You’re in the right place, because we have some great relationship advice about how you can get your ex boyfriend back. 

Is There Hope?

Deep down inside you may be sensing that your relationship isn’t really over, in which case there’s work to be done so you can find out how to get back together with your ex boyfriend and enjoy life together.

With that in mind, what do you do next?

1 Be Honest About Why Things Ended

At some point in your attempts to discover how to get your ex back, you may find out some hard truths about how and why your relationship ended.

If your ex starts reminding you of these things, and you believe they’re valid, don’t try and dispute them, defend them, explain them or anything else. Just acknowledge the honest truth. It’s better to be truthful and honest than to live in a bubble of self-deception and wanting to be right.

A lot of people pay a high price in their relationship by wanting to be right, or in control, all the time: the price is that the relationship mysteriously breaks up!

But the truth is there’s nothing mysterious about this at all. If you can’t make compromises between your need to be right and the need to preserve your relationship, then perhaps you need to learn to love yourself more than you do at the moment.

You see, wanting to be right is about ego, while wanting to be loved comes from the heart. And the heart is much more important. (That’s why you need to know how to get your ex back, surely – because you love him?)

2 You Can’t Convince Him To Come Back

Or rather, perhaps you can. Perhaps you can browbeat him into returning, so you don’t break up once and for all. But the truth is that to get back together with your ex you need to be happy, confident, and let your energy shine. The  very worst reason for getting back together is because you are needy and dependent. (Refer to 1 above!)

3 Take Responsibility For Your Role In The Breakup

Deep down, you probably know that some things that you’ve done, some attitudes you hold, some beliefs you express, some behaviors you regularly display, have contributed in some way to the breakup.

Of course it’s easier to blame other people than take responsibility, but it’s also really unfair if you’re focusing only on what your ex might have done to bring your relationship to an end.

In reality, if you want to know how to get our ex boyfriend back, the answer is: be honest about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses.

For example, do you have trust issues? Do you have commitment issues? Do you allow your man enough space of his own? Do you understand what men’s needs and wishes are, or do you expect him to be exactly like you? Do you expect him to meet all your needs and wishes?

Like we said above, relationships require compromise, and demonstrating your trust, confidence, and indeed your love for your man are absolutely essential.

And in case you don’t know the “real deal” would be that you respect him, and he cherishes you. Those are the two of the most fundamental needs of men and women in relationships respectively – to be respected (men) and to be cherished above all else (women).

4 Be Positive

Research has shown that for every negative exchange between two partners in a relationship, and that includes husband-and-wife, as well as boyfriend and girlfriend, there have to be at least five positive exchanges for the relationship to last. (Original research. And here.)

If there aren’t 5 positives to every negative, the relationship is almost certain to fail.

So let me ask you a question.

How often do you praise your partner, or express positive emotions and sentiments, compared to how often you criticize or express negative feelings?

It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of pointing out your partner’s failings, particularly if you have unspoken frustration and resentment bubbling away inside you.

But the solution here is to engage in honest and open communication, not to sweep problems under the carpet, let them fester, and then explode in a tirade where you feel compelled to point out your boyfriend’s numerous failings.

Learning to accept your man as he is and not complain about his habits may be the biggest step you can make towards discovering how to get your ex back and live happily with him when you do.

5 Respect His Masculinity

Men are problem solvers, and they love the satisfaction and fulfilment they get from feeling competent at solving problems.

That’s why he wants to fix you and your problems, when all you want to do is to talk about them.

Video – talk or fix? Watch it!

This is one of the most fundamental differences between men and women, and it can be fatal to a relationship.

But here’s the reality: men and women are different.

Sure, you say, we all know that….. but how many of us actually act on that knowledge and allow for those differences within a relationship?

And when you think about it, expecting a man to be more like a woman really means you as a woman are not confident enough in your own gender or your own sexuality. This means you can’t accept that your partner’s way of being in the world is inevitably going to be different. This is definitely something which needs to be worked on in most relationships.

Continued here.

 

Uncategorized

Getting Your Ex Back – Advice For Women (Part 2)

6 Wait For Him To Come To You

A lot of people will tell a woman who wants to get back together in a couple with her ex boyfriend, after they have broken up, that she should give her ex-partner space and time to work out what’s going on. In other words, she should give him room to decide whether he really wants to get back together.

However, I have a different take on this.

When you’ve broken up with a man, it’s true there’s a lot to be said for giving him some space to work out how he feels, but if he doesn’t make the first move towards a reconciliation after a few weeks, I suggest you make it yourself.

It could be misplaced pride that’s stopping him contacting you. And you can deal with that by taking action. After all, if you want to know how to get your ex back, it’s better to start finding out than to do nothing, surely?

When you do establish contact it’s really important to respond warmly, and appropriately, and work out as quickly as you can what your ex’s intentions (and reasons for contacting you, if that’s what he’s done) are.

Certainly, you want to avoid having sex with him until you’ve resolved the issues which caused the breakup.

7 Put Yourself First

If you feel your happiness is dependent on getting your ex boyfriend back, then you’re not putting yourself first, and you’re not valuing your own life and importance.

You need to do what’s best for you: even if the pain of the broken relationship is intense, you need to make sure that you’re doing the right thing for yourself.

Think about it: if you can’t put yourself first now, when on earth can you put yourself first?

So you need to treat your life like it’s important, and you need to treat yourself as the valuable human being you are.

And that might mean, among other things, that when your man comes back to you, you don’t simply pick up the relationship where you left off. Instead, you find a way of resolving the issues which came up between you and caused the breakup.

You see, he wants you back, and you want your ex boyfriend back. There’s never going to be a better time to work through the issues that led to your breakup than right now.

Warning: If he starts trying to convince you that you caused the relationship to fail, or that there is something wrong with you, then you might want to seriously consider whether he is right for you.

At the very least, he needs to be willing to negotiate with you about how you can have a successful relationship in the future.

If you conclude that he isn’t willing to do that, then it’s unlikely the relationship’s going to be any better in the future than it was in the past.

And even if you were part of the cause, the final ending of the relationship was something in which you both played a part.

If you feel responsible for the breakup, and can’t get round that, or you don’t feel in control of the situation, or you feel you’re being manipulated, then get some personal help, either counseling or therapy, or some form of group work like this (designed for women) or this (designed for women and men).

And, most of all, do the inner work needed to change yourself if you think you have problems or issues that need to be resolved.

Of course this raises the question of whether or not your ex boyfriend’s going to work on his own issues. That might be something you can talk to him about, yes? That way you will both grow emotionally and move together into a new future.

Of course if either of you continue to display dysfunctional  or disruptive behavior, the sort of thing which led to the relationship breaking up in the first place, there’s no point trying to save it now.

(Perhaps the only exception to that is if you’re both committed to working on yourselves and you are open and honest about this with each other.)

8 Have a Vision for Your Future Relationship

It goes without saying that if your man is abusive, tries to make you do things that are against your basic principles, has substance-abuse problems, never takes responsibility, is immature, cheats or lies or can’t be trusted, then you will do yourself a lot more good by leaving him and moving into relationship with a man who has higher moral principles.

If your own weakness is such that you need to have your ex partner back regardless of how inadequate he may be, then you might want to do some emotional work on yourself, urgently. 

Any obsession with your ex-boyfriend might imply that you need something more than breakup advice – perhaps you need counseling and support from a professional.

In essence, what’s going to be helpful for you at this point is trusting that if you’re meant to get back together with your ex, it will happen, and that if you aren’t, then there is a better man already waiting for you.

Trust you will get the man you’re supposed to be with.

But whatever happens, everything will be all right.

If you do manage to find out how to get your ex back, and get over the breakup, you should have a more loving and fulfilling relationship. And when you raise the standards you set for yourself about how you expect to be treated, you will encourage him to grow as well.

But if he doesn’t come back, or if he does come back and you believe he’s not going to change, then you’ve outgrown him.

And then, because you have grown and developed emotionally, you will attract a man who is more suited to you and your values.

It goes without saying that in both cases, you’ll have a more loving and happy relationship with yourself as well as with your boyfriend.

signs that you can make up with your ex

Can You Get Back Together?

Can You Get Back Together?

When you’re trying to get your ex back, you maybe looking for clues that there’s a good chance of a reconciliation….. but what are they?

Bottom line: if you can identify some of the following signs, there’s real potential for you to re-establish a relationship – no matter how desperate things might seem right now.

1 You Were Together For A Long Time

The longer you were in a relationship with your ex, the more likelihood that you’re going to be able to get back together.

couple kissing
The longer you were together, the more likely you can stay together.

This is because you have a shared history – shared experiences, shared memories, shared understandings – all of which contributed to the positive feelings you had for your partner. These are feelings which won’t go away quickly, and they constitute a strong emotional bond.

If they are as important to your ex as they are to you, then you may have a good foundation for getting back together.

2 You Are Still in Contact With Your Ex

If you’re getting signs that your ex boyfriend or girlfriend wants to communicate with you – whether by text message, letter, email or phone call – then it’s a very strong indication that he or she is open to the idea of the relationship being re-established.

Obviously they think the relationship has possibilities (why would they stay in contact, otherwise?)

And if they’re asking for a face-to-face meeting, then your chances of getting back together are much higher. Even if you have doubts, seeing your old girlfriend or boyfriend face-to-face might well help you decide once and for all whether YOU want him or her back.

3 Your Ex Contacted You First

I think this doesn’t need much explanation. If your old flame contacted you before you contacted them, then clearly they’re missing you and they want some connection.

They may even want a “new” relationship with you.

Even calling with some lame excuse like “I just wanted to find out how you were doing” suggests they care for you, and they have an interest in your well-being.

And the sooner you hear from them after the breakup, the better the chances of getting back together. Anything between one and three months is a great sign, implying you stand a high chance of getting back together.

4 He or She Hasn’t Cleared Their Stuff Out

Again, it’s pretty obvious really. If your lost loved one hasn’t asked to make some arrangements for taking their stuff back from you, then they’re clearly ambivalent about a final split from you.

Some people even use picking up their property as an excuse to see their beloved, so they can start a negotiation for re-establishing the relationship!

What if they come charging over soon after the relationship’s ended to get their stuff back from you?

Well, maybe they’re only acting out of the hurt and pain they felt immediately after the relationship ended. You see, even this isn’t a sign that the relationship’s truly dead and buried.

In fact, if your ex waits for a few weeks to get their stuff, it may be a great sign! Make sure you don’t rush things and don’t drive them away, and you might well have a good chance of getting them back. Hopefully.

5 He or She Is Making The Running

If your dearest is the one who’s taking the time and trouble to contact you, rather than  the other way round, you can be pretty sure there’s a strong attraction.

couple on beach
Chasing you? Good! Not chasing you? Whatever you do, don’t give up hope!

At the very least, it indicates ongoing interest. But remember that even if they’re not chasing after you they may still be interested in a renewed relationship and getting back together.

couple lying on beach
Your old love may in fact be the best love… think of all the times you shared and fun you had!

So don’t lose hope. In fact you might even want to take the initiative on making contact. There are plenty of good ways to do this, ways which will encourage your partner to see you in a good light, and not to think that you’re harassing them or, worse still, that you’re desperate.

6 Your Ex Keeps On Showing Up Unexpectedly

If your ex-lover keeps cropping up “by accident” or “unexpectedly” wherever you go, it’s highly likely that he or she is feeling jealous and wants to keep an eye on you – either that, or they are consumed with regret. But in either case, it’s a good sign for your chances of re-establishing the relationship.

7 Your Ex Is Calling You

If you find you’re getting phone calls from your once-upon-a-time lover, often out of the blue, and for no obvious reason, it’s definitely a sign that she or he is missing you and wants you back.

Often, particularly if the person doing the calling is a man, your ex will find some “genuine” reason to call you. Clearly if the reason they offer for making the call doesn’t hold up to examination, then you can assume your old flame simply wants to talk to you….

It takes a lot of courage and emotional strength to call up your ex and admit you’re feeling lonely or missing them – especially if you’re planning to tell them you want the relationship re-established!

8 You’re Talking About Intimate Things

Talking about the more intimate matters in life with your ex-partner suggests there’s a deep connection between you. And a deep connection can act as the foundation for making up after breaking up.

Listen very carefully to what your ex-lover has to say to you when they call. The tone of his or her voice – as well as the content of what he or she is saying – can give you a clear indication as to whether you’re being moved into the “friend zone“, or you’re still in the potential partner zone.

9 Your Ex Is Behaving Better Than Before

Many online programs on the internet emphasize the need for the person who wants to re-establish the relationship to change their behavior so they are more appealing to their ex.

couple kissing
How would you decide if your man was right for you – second time around? Follow our guide to the signs and indications and make it easier for you to decide…

So if your ex suddenly becomes somehow better than he or she was in the relationship, showing up in a better and more positive way, you can pretty much take it for granted that something’s going on – maybe it’s a sign he or she wants to get back together with you. (Advice for women: signs you are with a good man.)

10 Have you slept together?

Steady on, don’t get too excited – you need to pay close attention to what sex between exes means.

Sometimes sex is simply about enjoying a “friend with benefits” – you’ve probably heard that expression.

You see, it’s safer to make love to an ex-partner than someone new because you know a past lover’s foibles in bed.

For a moment, think about your motives for sleeping with your ex, and consider whether (a) you’re doing it to feel better, (b) because it’s a nice thing to do or (c) you still feel a deep connection between you.

If you and your partner are feeling strongly drawn to each other or you just can’t stay away from each other, then enjoying physical intimacy in the bedroom may lead to a full reconciliation outside the bedroom!

Uncategorized

Is It Time To Move On?

Is it time to move on?

Yeah, well, you might think it would be obvious – to make up or breakup?

But maybe it’s not that clear. After you’ve broken up, for quite a while, the only thing you’re going to want is to be back with the person you just split up with. The pain can be awful. And of course, as most of us know, because most of us have been in more than one relationship, you think the pain will never end.

And of course in reality is that the pain does end, and time moves on, and everything begins to look all right again.

So down below you can find some information about what you can do to help yourself get over the pain.

But  For Now: “Break Up or Make Up”? How Do You Decide?

It’s hard to figure it out: did you make a major mistake in breaking up, or are you just missing the person because you are familiar with them and in the long run it’s the right decision for you both?

Why Do You Want Him / Her Back?

One of the reasons why guys sometimes suffer after they’ve lost their girlfriend, and women when they’ve lost their ex-boyfriend, is that it can all be about proving that your ex still wants you.

In other words, this isn’t about wanting to win your ex back, it’s about wanting to win. About proving you are needed, in fact.

This is a situation where you can tease out the truth from your fantasies by making a list of the pros and cons of getting back with your ex.

Make a list of what you liked about your ex compared to what you didn’t like about your ex. Make a list of the risks of getting back together compared to the benefits of staying apart.

And then, look at your list of pros versus cons, and likes vs dislikes, if pros are fewer than the cons, and likes fewer than dislikes, then you have a pretty clear idea of where you stand. Find a new partner maybe.

Do You Know Why The Relationship Broke Up?

If you don’t really have a sense of why you split up with your ex, then you can’t really get back together.  (I suppose you could, but what I mean is you’re not going to be any kind of different position than you were before.)

Getting over a breakup takes a little bit of analysis, and here’s one way to do it.

If you know the things you were accused of doing to cause the break up, write them down on a piece of paper, decide first of all whether you want to change them, and then think about whether or not you honestly feel you can fix them.

They may be major things, they may be trivial things, but what matters most is what was important to your partner about what you were doing – the negative things, that is.

So if you can fix not phoning when you’ll be home late, or finally doing some housework to help your partner in the home, or choosing not to eye up other girls in the street, or not going to a girl’s night out every week, or not chatting to your girlfriends for hours on the phone (adjust as necessary!), then these small concessions might just make a big difference to how your partner (or ex-partner) sees the worth, desirability and likelihood of joy in a relationship with you in the future.

It’s about compromise, and about giving up some things you want to do for the sake of the relationship.

Here’s another clue: if you think you are blameless in the break-up, that you did nothing to contribute to the breakup, then you are definitely not ready to get back together with your ex partner. Don’t even start trying to find out how to win him or her back.

Why not? Because you need to work on yourself first.

Can You Admit Where You Went Wrong?

It’s no small thing to take responsibility for your role in the breakup. If you can look your ex partner, your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, in the eye, and take responsibility for what you did to cause the breakup, without mentioning a single word about what you think your partner did to cause the breakup, then you’re probably in the right emotional place for relationship reconciliation.

In other words, you’re not playing the blame game. Great!

So when you do get together with your ex-partner, and you want to discuss what was going on in your now-finished relationship, you need to have the mindset that you’re going to be humble, you’re going to apologize, and you’re going to do both in a neutral place where there is no drinking involved.

Video – Saying Sorry

You can show him or her the things you’ve decided to do differently, you can admit your role and responsibility in the breakup, and then you can ask your ex if he or she is willing to help you make these changes, and give the relationship another try.

And by the way, if you can’t stick to the “contracts” you make about how things be different then my guess is that you’re probably not mature enough to be in a long term relationship yet, so either “man up” or “woman up” and become the person you really can be. That’s the easiest and quickest way to become the partner that your partner would like you to be.

Ways To Get Over Your Ex
If You Decide You Have To Breakup

Do something active.

Start by cleaning your house and getting rid of any trace of your ex partner. You may want throughout the mattress where you made love. You might want to get rid of the pictures of you together on that romantic holiday. Anything that stimulates memories of your ex-partner – ditch it.

Don’t phone him / her.

And delete his / her phone number from your phone or block it. This is “going no contact“, and it’s recommended by psychologists as the best way to get over a breakup with your ex.

Spend one week of your life moaning and complaining about how unfairly were treated to friends who will listen. Then stop. But if you need to go on doing this beyond a week, find a therapist or counselor can help you. Don’t make your friends suffer more than one or two conversations about this each!

Distract with exercise.

Go to the gym, do some hard exercise, take up a martial art, or join a support group for men or support group for women where you can express your aggression safely.

Don’t forget that physical exercise is a great healer, because it releases endorphins into the brain, and endorphins are the natural feelgood hormones.

Do not obsess.

And that means about your ex-partner, or what you did, or what you didn’t do or what your ex-partner didn’t do. Make a decision to get over it and move on OR to try and get back together.

Stay real.

Do not tell yourself that no one will ever love you like your ex-partner did. In fact, if you’re obsessing about this, and you’re not taking any steps to get back together, then you can be pretty sure that you don’t need anyone like your ex-partner in your life.

You can use a simple mnemonic to remind yourself about the real characteristics of your partner. So for example, her name was Fiona, you could make up the following list of all the things that irritated you about her: feeble,insecure, obtuse, nasty, annoying. Every time your ex pops into your head, just remind yourself of these qualities. Another example: John was a jerk, noxious, helpless, and no good for me.

Have as much sex as you can.

Do it with as many people as possible! This can be therapeutic. Make sure you use infection-protection, i.e. condoms, and don’t get sucked into the idea of another relationship straightaway. That probably isn’t going to work too well!

getting back together

Getting Your Ex Back – Advice For Men

How To Win Her Back

Sometimes it’s inevitable! You break up with your girl, because it seems like the only thing you can possibly do to resolve your differences. Maybe you tried time apart, maybe you tried counseling, maybe just didn’t know what to do. And so you decided to split.

But now, sadly, you realize that this is the worst mistake you’ve ever made. The lacklustre women that you’ve seen since you split up aren’t a patch on the girl you dated, loved and lived with.

And so now, of course, you want to get your ex back. The problem is not so little, though: you just don’t know how to get your ex girlfriend back.

Relationship Repair

And don’t panic! We have advice which might just allow you to approach your ex easily, make getting over a breakup simpler, and above all help you see that while getting back with an ex is not, perhaps, the easiest thing in the world, you can certainly have a good shot at discovering how to win her back!

Start by reconnecting with a text.

You see, one problem is that your ex might already have moved on, because regrettably, she doesn’t feel the same way about the breakup as you do. So take this carefully.

Don’t call, unless you’re super-confident that she is thinking the same way you are.

And if you do send a text message, make sure it’s not one that sounds like it’s asking for sex, or desperate, or creepy. If you want to bring your ex back, you have to be subtle, so your text should be sweet – maybe about something you shared that’s still warming your heart, and you think might still be warming hers.

Example: “I was listening to that Neil Young song we both loved the other day, and it reminded me of when we saw him in concert in Berlin! Great times! I hope you’re OK.”

If she responds favourably, then you have some ground to build on. But even if she doesn’t, you could still try moving on to Step 2…..  unless your ex’s response was so negative that contacting her would bring down the wrath of the Goddess upon you!

Step 2: The Best Way To Get Your Ex Back?

Well, you romanced her before, so you’re not naive about the ways of love!

And this time you’re really going to need to take it more slowly. Set up a meeting. For example, if you’re trying to win your ex girlfriend back, propose a meeting for a coffee, say – and keep in mind that you probably need to apologize for what you did in a way which will seem genuine to your ex.

Also: remember that if you’re pushy about getting back together, this is going to be a red flag for your ex: after all, you did something in the first place that she didn’t like, so don’t repeat the mistake. (Which might even have been you instigating the break up.)

Step 3: Make That Call

If you’ve got a positive response so far, then maybe this is the time to suggest a casual date in a one-to-one voice call.

You need to summon up some sincerity, be humble and apologetic, stay clear about your own rights and boundaries, and choose a relaxed environment where there’s not going to be much pressure.

And if she accepts your invitation, remember that that’s all she’s done – accept an invitation. She hasn’t said she definitely wants to get back together with you, and it’s possible that your ex may even now turn you down. Be realistic. And whatever you do, don’t beg, don’t cry, don’t demean yourself, and above all, don’t stalk your ex.

The truth is that if your ex-girlfriend wants to come back to you, she’ll do it in her own time, depending on whether or not you convince her you’ve changed.

Step 4: Be Honest

You know, honesty is a great idea. So if you miss her, say so.  Tell her why.

It’s best to speak the truth. That old cliche about “honesty being the best policy” is absolutely right, because when you reveal your soul and your truth, you touch another person in a way you don’t if you’re just blathering or waffling at them with meaningless chitchat.

You need to talk about what went wrong in the relationship, and why, and you need to talk about your feelings. Sure, that’s scary for some men, but you can do it if you try.

Step 5: Be Honest About Your Shortcomings

Your attempt to get back together isn’t going to go anywhere unless you’re honest about what went wrong and your role in the break up.

Of course there’s a saying that “It takes two to tango”, and that’s certainly true, but focusing on your partner’s deficiencies isn’t the best way to work at getting your ex girlfriend back!

If all she hears is your criticism of what she did in the first place, you aren’t going to be getting together anytime soon!

So you might want to clarify with somebody competent – a counselor or therapist – what happened and why, get an independent view of what went on, what you did, and then, take responsibility for it and talk to her about it.

Step 6: Look To The Future

Sure, you’ll have a resentment or two about the past, you’ll be wanting to tell your ex the things that you believe she needs to know, and you’ll be trying to blame her (at least you will if you’re human, but if you’ve read the points above, you know better than to try the blame-game!)

To err is human, but to forgive may really be divine, as the saying has it.

And in this situation that basically means somethign simple. When you meet your ex-girlfriend you take a trip into the future, not down memory lane, a place where you might feel inclined to drag out of the recesses of your mind all the resentments, anger, fear, sadness, disappointments and all other negative things you thought were wrong with your relationship with your girlfriend.

You didn’t get together in the first place because of those things, and so it’s not appropriate to talk about them when you want to try and get back together with your ex.

You must focus on positive qualities – things you like about her, the things which really drew you to her, and above all, the things that will keep you together in the future.

Step 7: Maybe Meet In A Group

Yeah, sure, you might find it daunting and pressurized and frightening to meet your ex with a view to discussing how to get back together.

And in particular, if you’re trying to find out how to save your marriage, then you really need to do this in a situation where the pressure is as low as possible.

One way to do this might be to meet up in a familiar group of friends or family. Yes, that may raise some eyebrows – people may be wondering why you’re doing it, and start gossiping about it –  but the fact of the matter is that if you have other people around who you can talk to, the pressure can be much less.

Of course, this only works if you can get away from the group and talk to each other one-to-one.

And again, when you do this, remember that humility, sensitivity, and honesty are probably your greatest weapons in getting over a breakup.

Step 8: Do Not Discuss Other Women You Met After The Break Up!

She doesn’t want to hear about what you did in the hiatus between your breakup and your attempt to get back together with your ex-girlfriend.

She doesn’t want to hear about the relationship advice you have to offer, or the relationship advice you received from other people!

What she wants to know is if you’re wise enough to behave in a way that’s going to win her back, whether you’re going to be a good partner in the future, and whether the things that drove you apart have changed.

Step 9: Be Romantic

Look, we all know that romance isn’t everything – but it goes a long way for a woman and it might just be the key to getting back with your ex-girlfriend.

And don’t tell me that you don’t know how to be romantic!

Somewhere deep in your soul, your masculine soul, is the genetic knowledge of how to pursue a woman and win her over. If you need some clues, here they are: send her flowers, perhaps to her workplace. Write a love letter in which you tell her why you love her. Take her away for a romantic weekend break. You know how to do it.

Step 10: Get Engaged

What if you aren’t just stringing her along, and that you really do want to spend the rest of your life with her, and you’re very clear about this?

Ain’t it obvious? Buy her a ring – offer to get married.

This can really move her into a place complete commitment. After all, if you’re honest with yourself, you probably know whether or not you were (and are) truly committed to her.

And if you’ve made the decision that she really is the woman with whom you want spend the rest of your life, then why not get engaged?

And if you really can’t make that step, then you should still have a plan to drive the relationship forward – shared goals, shared objectives, shared time. Goals and objectives… something to work towards together.

You know, all in all, whether or not you’re trying to make your ex want you back, or whether or not you need to know how to get your girlfriend back, you need to get over the breakup.

So perhaps the first question you ask yourself should be “Is it time to move on?”

positive affirmations

How To Use Affirmations & Self-Affirmation

One of the consequences – as most of us know – of breaking up is that your self-esteem can take a beating. You don’t feel too good about yourself; in fact, you might even think your life is over!

One of the ways you can deal with this is to use affirmations.

You’ve probably heard of affirmations, in the context of positive thinking or positive mental attitude. Indeed, some authors say that with affirmations you can achieve almost anything.

That may or may not be so, but we do know that repeating positive statements about yourself with conviction for three to four weeks can change how you feel. (The same is true of expressing gratitude, which also seems to have a powerful impact on people’s optimism and state of mind.)

Classically, affirmations would be statements like these:

  • Everything I need comes to me easily and effortlessly.
  • I attract fulfilling and mutually supportive friendships.
  • I deserve pleasure and fun in my life, and I find it it happens for me all the time.
  • I am my own person, and I choose how to think and behave.
  • I enjoyed boundless love and happiness within fulfilling and wonderful relationship.

Classically, affirmations are designed to be written and spoken in the present tense, so that you can imagine that what you are trying to manifest has already happened. Of course to have emotional power, an affirmation has to be something that really meaningful and personal to you.

Affirmations are also to be used in the positive sense, for example: “I enjoy a healthy lifestyle”, not in the negative sense of “I am no longer going to sit in front of my television like a couch potato.”

Effective Affirmations

To be effective, affirmations need to be used when you’re feeling positive, not when you’re feeling distressed or extremely negative, because then they may be hard to accept on any level.

You need to have at least some belief in the truth of what you’re saying for it to be effective.

If you’ve broken up with an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend, and you’re looking for a way to get back together with your ex partner, or more specifically want to know how to get your ex back, you could use affirmations.

Try looking at those aspects of yourself which may have been part of the causes of the breakup; this is a useful technique. For example, you might believe that part of the reason you broke up with your ex-partner is because of some aspect of your personality, such as your intolerance and impatience.

But rather than saying to yourself as an affirmation “I will no longer be intolerant and impatient” you would say to be positive and specific – for example, “I am accepting of other people’s views and I find it easy to relax and listen to what they say in a calm and centred way.”

This can be a very powerful and effective technique.

If you’re feeling down and depressed with low self-esteem, saying an affirmation such as “I am a wonderful person with a lot to offer and give to everyone who loves me” can be a good way of helping yourself achieve a state of mind in which you’re much more likely to get your ex back.

So yes, the technique comes recommended, but there is another aspect to this.

We know that a lot of the current popularity of affirmations is because of books like Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret, Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich, and Wallace Wattle’s The Science of Getting Rich.

Perhaps the use of affirmations reached its zenith in Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life, in which she set out affirmations designed to change every aspect of a person’s underlying thought patterns.

She was relying on the same principle that sustains our belief in affirmations to this day: negative and harmful thought patterns underlie behaviour patterns which are destructive to your well-being. And by changing the thought patterns through your affirmations, you can change your behavior, and so eliminate – in this context, at least  – those behaviors which might been responsible for you breaking up with your partner, or your partner breaking up with you.

Unfortunately in 2009 some research seemed to suggest that for people with really low self-esteem, affirmations could be harmful because they seemed so unbelievable that they actually lowered person self-esteem even further.

It turns out that people who have high self-esteem will feel better when they use affirmations, but affirmations can be a risk that if they do not ring true for you, because they bring to mind exactly how unsuccessful in love you are! (Well, you have broken up, right?)

So there’s another way of doing this which is guaranteed to produce positive results: it’s called self-affirmation.

Self-affirmation

The research behind the idea of self-affirmation shows they can work well because you focus on values that are personally relevant to you, rather than anything which might be hard to believe in your current position (e.g. “I love other peopel and treat them with respect” rather than “I am a loving and well-balanced person who attracts love into my life”).

Other benefits of self-affirmation seem to be that it reduces stress, improves health, and reduces defensiveness – very important if you’re working on getting your relationship back together!

So What Is Self-Affirmation?

Basically you find things which reaffirm the way you see yourself – for example, as a good or moral person, perhaps, or as a person who has a lot to offer because you live a life of compassion and integrity.

You’re looking for your values (check out a list of them here) – that is to say the aspirations which you would like to live in accordance with: examples would be things like living a healthy life, treating others with respect, and so on.

By highlighting the strengths you feel about yourself in this area, you can offset your negative feelings in another part of your life – such as your low self-esteem because you’ve broken up with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend!

By highlighting your values to yourself, you will feel better about yourself, bring about a change in your perspective away from the negative aspects of your life (which in this situation, are obviously the fact that your relationship has ended, and that you’ve broken up with your relationship’s ex partner.)

You can make this a reality by reflecting and thinking about the personally relevant values which you hold dear, and the way in which you express them.

These are things you can be proud about, things about which you can complement yourself. By doing this, you bring about not only reassurance, but you also affirm the fact that you really can solve problems, bring value to the world around you, and genuinely have personal power in various areas of your life.

You could start identifying your values by writing a list of values that are important to you in different areas of your life. There’s plenty of research which demonstrates that this kind of self-affirmation can protect you against the negative effects of stress.

Presumably this shift in feeling happens because you feel good about yourself when you think about the things you hold dear and the way in which you exemplify them in society and your life.

Self-affirmation really does work – for example, research has shown that women who engage in self-affirmation are much more likely to lose weight effectively and achieve their desired body shape when they’re on a diet than women who do not use techniques of self-affirmation.

And although that may sound superficial, the level at which self-affirmation works seems to go even deeper than this: it appears to affect the chemistry of the body.

Even though we don’t know for sure how self-affirmation works at the moment, it’s definitely worth trying if you are looking to get your ex partner back, and you don’t know how to do this!

In short, self-affirmation is a way of increasing your self-esteem and making yourself feel better. And that’s what we all need after we’ve broken up, especially if we’re trying to find out how to get our ex back!

getting back together

How To Get Your Ex Back – Tips For Men and Women

First of all, don’t beg your ex to come back.

You know we’ve all heard this advice, but when you’re in the grip of despair and sadness after a relationship has come to an end, it can be very hard not to beg.

But please, keep your dignity at all costs! While you might find that begging and pleading with your ex will make your ex feel sorry for you, he or she will almost certainly see you as less attractive!

And even if they succumb to your pleading, just think how resentful they’ll feel later on! (In other words, they may feel they got you back for all the wrong reasons.) No matter how you’re feeling right now you have to be adult about this!

Yep, and sure, you might not care about being Adult and mature right now, but later on you certainly will, because how you get back together with your ex is definitely going to have an impact on how your relationship works out after you’ve had your “reconciliation”.

So if you’re going to communicate with your ex to tell them you think the relationship can still work, please do it as an Adult. If you can’t do that, take some time out before contacting them.

Second of all, don’t start playing games.

You know there’s a temptation to play games with your ex-partner, particularly if you’re a clever “magician” i.e. you think quickly and in complex ways to come up with strategies and ideas about how to get what you want.

But game-playing and manipulation is for children who need to protect themselves in the world. It’s not appropriate for an adult who’s trying to live life in a mature and well-balanced way. And the truth is that anybody who thinks they’re being outmanoeuvred will often be resentful. So don’t hatch plans to get what you want. Behave like the Adult you are.

Three, don’t hold your ex-partner to ransom.

No matter how bad you feel right now, you CAN live without your ex-partner – your life doesn’t depend on them being around you! So screaming, threatening, crying or even saying you’ll end it all if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend won’t get back together with you is just not going to work…. At least it won’t if they’re a responsible mature adult. The other thing you might like to consider is whether or not emotional blackmail of this kind played any part in your break in the first place. If so, ask yourself what your role in the break-up might have been. 

If you’re the one his being manipulated, then you really need to consider whether or not that’s the kind of relationship you want to be in, or perhaps you need to find some way of increasing your self-esteem so you’re not dependent on somebody who’s treating you unkindly.

Four, don’t tell your ex you’ve changed, show them!

One unfortunate thing that tends to happen when people break up is that their ex-partners tell them all the things that were wrong with them – often this is unkind, cruel, and sometimes not even true.

But if there is truth in it, could you see it as feedback? So, if your ex told you that you never gave them space to talk, never listened to them, and never took them seriously, ask yourself if that’s true – even if you’re doing it right now while trying to get back together! (Caution: if there’s any game-playing going on, forget about it and see the facts as they truly are.)

Or, if you’ve been accused of being insecure, for example, don’t contact your ex, trying to get them back, every five minutes – or even five times a day for that matter.

Show that you’re secure in yourself by showing your ex how capable, mature and independent you are. The proof of the pudding, as the saying has it, is always in the eating. Another example, in case you’re in any doubt about what we’re saying here: if your partner said you never treated them with respect, don’t shout and scream at them – talk to them respectfully. Simple, yes?

Five, an apology is easy – at least, easier than you think!

And you might feel that you have nothing to apologize for, which is all very well, but both people in a relationship usually contribute something to the breakup.

One man told me how his ex-girlfriend had finished with him, even though it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t know why she’d dumped him.

He was desperate to get her back. Then he said, “She always told me I had to be right all the time, and accused me of never being able to admit I was wrong or apologize.” He hadn’t seen the irony here!

And he certainly wasn’t thinking of apologizing to her for his arrogance about the relationship breakup. So I suggested that he wrote a letter to her, apologizing for his behavior… And guess what? He saw the point. He wrote the letter. They had a discussion about the future, and they got back together.

You see, the thing is this: each and every one of us has certain basic needs and requirements of other people. These needs are not the same for everyone, but you could confidently say they include things like being respected, being listened to, being taken seriously, being appreciated, being loved, being made to feel special…. and so on.

If you can learn how to do these things for your ex-partner, and take that new behavior into your (future) relationship, then you both have a much better chance of a happy and healthy relationship in the future.

Six, there’s a lot of good in romance.

If men understood how much women wanted to be romanced (and did something about it), the world would be a much more harmonious place.

Women express their openhearted love from what we call their Lover archetype, whereas men are not as able to do this.

If you’re a man and your ex-girlfriend has been demonstrating her love for you, without your appreciation, or without getting your romance back, just think for a few minutes about how you could introduce some romance into the relationship and win her back. And if you’re a woman trying to win back an ex-boyfriend, come from your heart, because love truly can conquer all.

Of course some men are very resistant to the love of a woman, so if your ex-partner isn’t responding to your openhearted love, then it might be better for you to move on to a guy who can truly appreciate you as the loving woman who you are.

Think about this – when a relationship’s broken down, there’s often bitterness around, and one of things on people’s minds can be a desire to express how they’re feeling, even to get some kind of revenge.

Yet this doesn’t help anybody; there are better ways of expressing your feelings – for example:

  • Talk calmly about your feelings.
  • Express how somebody else’s behavior (your ex’s, no doubt) made you feel.
  • Tell your ex what you want from them in the future.

Be positive, talk about what you would love to do with your ex in the future, and avoid analyzing the bitterness of the past.

This demonstrates great maturity and shows you could get back together with your ex, or that your ex could choose to come back to you, with love and affection rather than bitterness and resentment.

Always, always, don’t even talk about what’s gone on in the past unless it’s totally and absolutely unavoidable! Instead, talk about how things can be better for the both of you in the future.

Seven, let go of the past. It’s over and done with.

You know, we all want to analyze what went wrong, we all want to go over our mistakes, and we all want to tell people about our feelings. But when people walk away from a relationship there are plenty of reasons why they do it, and analyzing the past is not high on their agenda.

You and your ex need to people feel optimistic about the future, and to feel that way, you need to talk about the future.

So when you get together with your ex-partner, try to talk about the past only if it really will help overcome your difficulties.

Take the mature approach – stop blaming each other for what’s happened in the past – there’s nothing you can do about that now, except to learn from it and do things differently in the future.

The way to frame this is to tell your ex-partner that you don’t want them to be your ex-partner. Instead, you want to have a new relationship with him or her in the future.

And of course they may feel differently about this. They may want to go over and over what’s happened in the past. If they’re so full of bitterness that they can’t let go of the past, then it might be time to move on.

How to break up

How To Break Up

If you’re in a relationship which you know is no longer what you want, and your ex feels the same way, breaking up can be simple. But generally things aren’t so simple: people stay in relationships because of the fear of hurting their ex-partner, or because they fear being alone, or because the thought of the pain that might follow separation is too great – any number of reasons, including, let’s not forget, the fact that you might be labelled by friends or family as the one responsible, the bad guy.

How to Break Up

Assuming you’ve read through some information on how to decide whether or not it’s time to break up, and you’re sure this is indeed your future path, the question is – how are you going to do it?

Start by remembering there are going to be consequences: these need to be thought about in advance, so you’re not going to be shocked when things take a turn for the worse. To start with, your friends and family may be on your side – but they may not be. And it’s almost certain that your partner’s friends and family won’t be. 

If you had a good relationship with them in the past, then that’s going to be painful, if you haven’t, then that might make their reaction even worse.

The general assumption is that the “dumper” (you initiated the break up) is the person who feels least – but this is far from true, because the person who initiated the breakup often feels more guilt, shame and fear than the person who’s being dumped.

In short, unless there are clear and obvious reasons why you’re separating and you’re one of the few couples who manage to reach some kind of mutual agreement about the way forward, the end of a relationship is almost always distressing.

Especially when one or other partner decides soon after that they want to know how to get their ex-boyfriend back, or they want to know how to get back with their ex-girlfriend.

Persistent attempts to win back an ex can verge on stalking – particularly when jealousy rears its ugly head. So if you’re already thinking “how do I get back with my ex” then think again – make sure that you know you want your relationship to end before you make the move.

And when the relationship does end, it’s useful to have support lined up for yourself. You can’t be responsible for your partner’s – or rather, your ex partner’s – feelings, but you can protect your own

And be ready for that ex-partner to move on and find someone else; if the thought of this gives you pain, do some personal work before you initiate the breakup (i.e. see a counselor!)

And also be aware that sometimes people breakup as an act of revenge – which often horrendously rebounds on the person who’s doing the dumping.
If you’re mature adults who are just living together or not even occupying the same space, then breaking up is probably easier than for a married couple who haven’t managed to save their marriage; they will have legal property and children’s rights to consider.

How To Dump Someone

The best way to dump somebody is to be mature and honest about it. At least up to a point. So simply cutting someone out of your life with no explanation is a very underhand way of doing breaking up – and so is getting someone else to end the relationship on your behalf! (You wouldn’t do that, would you?)

Giving mixed messages about whether or not the relationship is really over when you mean to end it is a sign of your weakness rather than anything else.

And so is acting disinterested or dissatisfied, or trying to piss your partner off so much they decide to dump you and make YOU the ex lover.

You wouldn’t perhaps believe some of the strategies people employ to end a relationship: it’s even been known for people to cheat on their partner in the hope that the partner will find out and the relationship. Warning: The previous link is a Cosmo spoof. Try this instead, if you’re a man. If you’re a woman, try this.

And continuing to have sex or be intimate with partner after announcing that you want to separate is pretty mean-spirited as well.

Your partner may think it’s a sign of your love and it means you’ll stay together after all. Not a good idea if you are set on a break up.

How To End A Relationship

Are you clear about why you want to end your relationship? Are you clear about what you want next? The more specific and clear you are, the better the chance your partner has of understanding what you’re doing.

Being a decent person, you won’t want to be unkind or blame them – this is your decision, and you need to take responsibility for it.

You need to tell your partner in person exactly why the relationship isn’t working for you, and you can express your feelings of regret and sadness, but anything else – perhaps with the exception of the appreciation of joy – is really off-limits.

Your partner is probably going to be very shocked, obviously if they haven’t felt it coming they’re going to be devastated (potentially… they might be delighted, of course): in which case you need to have some clear answers to the questions they’re likely to ask.

You need to be ready for them to refuse to accept the reality of the breakup. They may think you (or they) can change in response to the trauma of separation; it’s a very common reaction amongst people who are dedicated to saving the marriage or relationship.

The important thing is to take responsibility and to focus on how you feel rather than to list the faults of your partner in a way that suggests you’re criticizing them or blaming them.

And trying to engage them in some kind of emotional game where they tell you how sorry they are for your sadness is definitely an underhand and manipulative technique.

Of course your ex-partner may agree with you – that breaking up is the best thing for all concerned. (Be prepared for it. You never know.)

So there are a lot of possible reactions here. But keep in mind, when you tell somebody the relationship’s over (and why that’s best for you), you might also want to tell them what you’re going to do next. And on the other hand, depending on how they react, you might feel that you want to keep that information and any future cantact at arm’s length on a legal basis.

(You may find it helpful to decide in advance whether you want a clean break or you’re happy to have a “no-contact” period of time after which you can talk to each other as mature human beings.)

We all know there’s pain after a breakup, whether we were the dumper or the dumped. What can you do about that? Well, you may feel better if you spend some time with your friends or family. Keep in mind it’s very normal to wonder how your ex-partner is getting along, what they’re doing, and to work out strategies about how you might get him back, or how you might get her back. But getting back with an ex is something you need to consider very carefully before you do it. 

Wanting the good times and the closeness and the affection you felt for each other is not a sufficient reason for getting back together with your ex. If you’re responsible for initiating the breakup you must have done this for a very good reason, and presumably those reasons still apply. Those are the issues which need to change.

Above all, you can use any time you have to yourself after a breakup to realign your own life, find new interests, move on, and to experience your own emotional growth to the full.

How to know if you should break up, relationship advice

How To Decide If You Should Break Up – Part 2

Of course breaking up is painful, and nobody wants to be an ex-partner – so on this website you’ll find information about getting over a breakup, getting back with an ex, how to save your marriage, and how to bring your ex boyfriend back (or ex girlfriend).

And in addition, in this section we offer some advice on how to tell if your relationship is headed for disaster or success.

Welcome to Part 2 of how to know when you SHOULD breakup (part 1 here)!

This time, rather than looking at yourself, we’ll be looking at your partner.

Just like there are two sides to every story, there are two people in every relationship, and so now it’s time to think about what your partner might be doing to you that could lead to a breakup and you being an “ex-boyfriend” or “ex-girlfriend”, either by dumping or through being dumped.

Is Your Relationship Healthy?

Depending on your own level of awareness, you might already be aware that you’re in a manipulative or controlling relationship. People who are aware that they’re being controlled in this way are generally unhappy most of the time, and the feeling of dissatisfaction can eventually grow to the point where they want to end the relationship.

No surprise, because when your partner’s manipulative, it generally means he or she would have to change their behavior dramatically to become a healthy person to be with in relationship – and that’s not likely to happen.

But really, whether your partner is willing to change their behaviour or not, it might be best for you to end your relationship as soon as possible. If you feel that your partner’s controlling everything you do, or threatening you in any way, you’ve already got a major problem.

You can get advice on how to break up with somebody who is manipulative or controlling here – it’s sometimes best done from a distance, when you’re in a safe place.

Does Your Partner Respect You?

People who really care about each other at a deep level are not going to diminish or criticize you in front of others.

Sure, having a discussion about your behaviour is one thing, but hearing yourself being made fun of, especially of it’s malicious, is another.

So when your partner sees fit to make fun of you or what you say or do in the presence of other people this might be a sign about how they truly feel towards you. And bear in mind that a disrespectful attitude can be much more subtle than an outright insult.

It’s also clear that someone who is constantly diminishing you probably doesn’t have your welfare at heart. This could mean shouting at you, putting you down, and being cruel to you.

So for example, if you sense your partner is ashamed of you or the relationship, you also have a problem. If your “partner” is embarrassed to tell anyone you are going out together,  or doesn’t invite you to meet their family, this is a simple sign that it’s time to get out.

You need to be with someone who is proud to have you on their arm. Surely?

Another way in which a partner can show disrespect to you is by never wanting sex, or initiating intimacy. But be careful here, because many people have hangups around sex and intimacy. The reason someone’s afraid to initiate sexual contact or even just cuddling might be that they have some deeper issue with sex or intimacy which needs to be dealt with in counseling or therapy.

Avoiding such an issue won’t help anything – it needs to be talked about, and if you’re the one who opens up the discussion, so much the better.

Another “respect” issue that comes up in relationships is pressure to conform.

If your partner is putting pressure on you to do what they want, for example to have sex when you’re not ready, to engage in behaviors that are dysfunctional or unhelpful to you, or generally pressuring you to make you do things you simply don’t want to do, then please ask yourself why you’re in the relationship.

In this situation, the best thing to do is not to try and save your marriage or your relationship, but simply to leave, and then, without even trying to get your ex back, seek out some relationship advice.

Remember, it’s not always obvious to YOU whether or not you’re under this kind of pressure, particularly if you’re a people pleaser by nature.

Leave As A Pre-emptive Measure

The pain of getting over a breakup can be greatly eased if you never feel the need to try and get back with your ex-boyfriend or your ex-girlfriend, because you made a reasoned decision to leave them in the first place.

You might still miss them, but on balance you’ll be much better off without a dysfunctional person in your life. So if anybody’s warned you about the person you’re dating, then do take time to consider what they’re trying to tell you.

We’re not talking about your best friend saying “You deserve somebody better”. We’re talking about a situation where all your family are telling you the person you’re with is completely wrong for you.

Now sometimes you may well know what you want better than your family knows, but if everyone, family and friends alike, are telling you you’re in danger or there’s something wrong, then please at least consider whether they might be right.

Another form of pressure which can be put on you in a relationship is to move too fast: if you’ve only been going out together for a few weeks or a few months, and your partner is suggesting moving in together or getting married or having a child, you’ll almost certainly be moving too fast for your own good.

If you feel completely overwhelmed, completely out of your depth, and you haven’t even taken time to get to know each other properly, then you definitely need to slow down or get out of the relationship.

The Obvious Signs

One question that you might want to ask yourself is whether or not your relationship has any kind of problem – obviously there are some very obvious problems like physical or psychological abuse, as well as plenty of things that can happen which suggest you shouldn’t be in a relationship: financial exploitation, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, emotional degradation, pressure to do something you’re not comfortable with, such as criminal activity or taking drugs or heavy drinking, constant arguments, jealousy, or long-term alcohol or drug abuse that continues despite your presence in a relationship.

You know the danger signs just as well as everybody else, but the question is whether or not you’ll act on them.

Being in a relationship with a control freak, or being in relationship with somebody superficial who you originally got together with because you fancied partying, sharing your hobbies, or while sex is not a basis for a long-term relationship.

Video – How To End An Abusive Relationship

One particularly dangerous sign is breaking up and getting back together.

Although lots of people feel emotional pain when they’ve broken up and want to get their ex love back, trying to bring your ex back, only to break up again on an endlessly repeating cycle is not only a waste of emotional energy, but also suggests that you might need counseling or therapy to get over your addictive behavior and find out why are you addicted to your ex partner.

You may know couples who have tried to break up, but are constantly getting back with the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. No way is this a truly loving partnership – there’s obviously something wrong.

It’s best not to even try and mend this kind of relationship; rather, just cut your losses and move on. And if it’s YOUR fault that a relationship keeps breaking up and YOU are the one who’s constantly asking how you can get back together, then YOU need some relationship counselling or therapy.

Conflicting Life Goals Can Be a Problem

If your objectives in life are very different, then you have a problem. And if your dreams and visions about what you each want to do in the future are so incompatible there’s no possibility of you both fulfilling them, then maybe you should be in a different relationship with somebody more in tune with your aspirations and goals. That’s especially true if your partner shows no willingness to compromise.

Cheating Is a Big Problem

If either you or your partner has cheated on each other, particularly if you’ve been cheating on your partner with some ex lover or other, the questions you should be asking yourself are: “Does my ex want me back; do I want to get back with my ex; do I want to save my current relationship?”

If you’ve cheated or been cheated on more than once, there’ll simply be too much damage for your relationship to survive. And of course it’s entirely possible this is how you’re communicating that fact to your partner.

Other danger signs for any relationship are keeping secrets, growing apart, not putting in the effort to organize exciting or interesting shared activities, and spending a lot of time apart. 

If you reach the point where you decide that your relationship needs to end, then perhaps you need to read our advice on how to break up.

break up or make up, relationship advice

Is It Right To Break Up?

I guess if you’re reading this, you’re probably in a place of emotional pain, you’re probably not clear whether you should break up or not, and you’re wanting some guidance to help you make the decision.

Break Up or Make Up?

Perhaps the first question you could ask yourself is – what makes you think you might need to break up? Have you got an intuition that you’re in the wrong relationship, or you’re staying in this relationship for the wrong reasons?

If you were honest with yourself and chose to admit to yourself what you already know but are currently not facing up to, what would you be doing?

And if you were advising a friend who was in the situation you’re in, what would you be telling them to do?

Truth is, it’s never the same when you think about what you would do: when your own relationship is feeling a bit fragile you lose your objectivity, you think of reasons to stay together rather than separate, and you endlessly think about how you might feel when your partner’s become an ex-partner – would you want to get them back, thinking you’ve made a terrible mistake? Would it be better to avoid having to try to get your ex back by simply not breaking up in the first place?

So here are some hints and tips which might help clarify what you need to do. But before you go any further, you might want to consider how you’d feel if your partner became your ex. Would you want to get your ex back?

The Secret of Making Up or Breaking Up

How Do You Feel About Your Partner?

This might be a clichéd question, but it’s important: is there something about your partner that you’re not acknowledging to be true?

In other words, do you accept them as they truly are, or do you want your partner to change just because you don’t like something about them?

Bear in mind that if you expect your partner to change for your sake, then it’s not unreasonable for them to expect you to change for their sake – and such expectations really don’t help a relationship. A good relationship is based on mutual acceptance for good or bad, no matter who you or your partner may be; this can be the firm foundation of a genuine relationship where neither partner has unrealistic expectations of the other.

So, for example, how does it feel if you say out loud (not necessarily to your partner; you could try saying it to a mirror) “I hate the fact that you go out drinking with your buddies on a Friday night”? 

Maybe you need to say something much more serious than this. Perhaps your partner never spends any time with you, or never reveals their feelings – or something equally important. Whatever the nature of the question, you need to ask yourself whether or not the benefits of the relationship outweigh the fact that your partner is behaving in a certain way.

If you think the relationship is worth saving, then obviously you need to accept your partner for who they truly are, and stop trying to change them.  (You do know why trying to change your partner in a relationship is a bad idea, don’t you?)

In essence, what it amounts to is that if there’s something so big about your partner, something that triggers you so much that you can’t get over it, and your partner won’t change, then perhaps you need to end your relationship. The areas where this may be especially true are around politics, religion, sex.

How Do You Feel About Yourself?

A lot of people in relationship forget that they need to look at their own issues as well as their partner’s. Perhaps you’re trying to break the relationship up because you can’t face something about yourself?

It’s not impossible, even though it sounds far out, for people to break up a relationship because they’re anticipating hurt or pain or mishaps… and they want to pre-empt the pain by breaking up before it happens. The right thing to do in this situation is to talk to your partner and work through the issue.

However, if you are so insecure, you might not be able to talk about these things with your partner – in which case undertaking some personal self development work such as counselling or therapy might be a good idea. Running away from your own fear is unproductive; going into the fear and feeling it more fully can help you move into a better, more developed and more functional place in life.

In short, if you’re feeling that you want to break up, it might not be because of anything your partner is doing, but it might be something you’re doing to yourself.

Why Are You in This Relationship?

Surely you’re not in a relationship simply because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings by leaving?

Sadly, it’s possible you are. There are plenty of people in this world who’ve been brought up in such a way that they haven’t learned how to put their own needs, desires and wishes first. Instead, they somehow seem to think everyone else is more important than they are.

And that extends to relationships: it’s entirely possible for some people to stay in a relationship which is dysfunctional or a waste of time simply because they don’t have the courage to leave.

If you don’t know how to stop being a people pleaser, then it’s probably a good idea to get some help with that! Running your life by trying to get everyone to like you – including your ex partner – is going to exhaust you.

Breaking up isn’t the end of the world, and if you put your mind to it you will always recover emotional balance.

And you have no responsibility to protect other people’s feelings and emotions by staying with them whether you want to or not. 

In any event, if a relationship isn’t suitable for you, or it’s not what you want, deep down you always know it. You just have to allow yourself to feel it. And by ending the relationship you’ll be doing both yourself and your partner a favor – he or she can then move on and grow as a person (provided they take the opportunity and they DO NOT try and find out how to get back together with their ex – that’s you – after the breakup!)

Equally, you don’t want to stay in a relationship just because you’re lonely, do you? (If your fear tells you “don’t break up”, then ask yourself what the risk would be if you did break up. You’ll most likely find it is something major. That’s what you need to address.)

I know breaking up is hard to do, and it can be very painful, and in the period after you’ve broken up you might feel like your life is over, suffering emotional pain you never felt before. Even so, it’s a bit demeaning to both you and your partner to stay in a relationship with them just because you’re frightened of being on your own. Better to suffer the pain of relationship than to suffer the pain of having to work out ways to get your ex back, eh? I don’t think so.

Again, it might be helpful to get the help of a counselor or therapist to get some good relationship advice so you can understand why it’s so important to be with somebody just so you feel better.

Have You Lost Interest in Each Other?

Sad fact, but true: people grow emotionally at different rates, and one of the consequences of emotional growth can be that you suddenly find the person you’re with doesn’t interest you any more. This may mean saving your relationship is not possible.

This is life: it’s impossible to make a commitment for life to another person, simply because you don’t know what life is going to throw at each of you.

If people truly commit to each other for life, then there’s the possibility that they also commit to depriving themselves of the emotional growth and experience of life they need to become who they truly are.

And it’s no different in a relationship that’s been running for just a few weeks or months. The sooner you accept how you really feel about your partner the sooner you can do something about. That might be finding out how to save your marriage or it might be getting some break up advice….

(When you open up to your own insights, you might realize things like: I am not in love with him any more. I don’t even like her any more. I hate the way she tells me to do this and that. I can’t stand his sexual demands. And so on.)

To help you understand what you’re actually feeling, you need to find a space where you can deeply reflect on your own feelings, and truly acknowledge what your mind and body are telling you. The temptation of course when we are feeling discomfort is to avoid the discomfort by finding a distraction that will help us pretend nothing is amiss.

Instead, settle down in a place where you have time and space to yourself to reflect, and become aware of what you’re thinking and feeling – particularly in your body, which will never lie to you about the truth of the situation you’re in. You just have to learn how to talk your body’s language. It’s often much better to know if you’re about to become an ex-partner than to find out unexpectedly….. that way, you get to take the initiative with your ex rather than have a struggle afterwards. It’s never nice to discover you made a mistake and find you want to get your ex back after you have broken up. Getting back with an ex requires a lot of time and emotional energy!

Relaxed and Comfortable With Your Partner?

Although it’s a sad fact, many people find that one of the first signs they’re not with the right person any more is that they’re embarrassed about being seen with their partner by their friends. If you’re not proud of the person you’re with, why are you with them?

There are more tips on another page of this site – which you can find here – explaining clues which suggest you might not be with the right person.

making up or breaking up

Making Up vs Breaking Up

We’ve all been in this situation: not knowing when to end a long-term relationship – or indeed, whether to end it at all!

Making Up – Or Staying Together

So it’s an important question, since relationships are an essential element of everybody’s life, and for many people are probably the biggest factor determining their happiness (possibly after wealth).

How do you decide whether to split or stay together?

Obviously sometimes a relationship so wonderful that there’s no doubt you want to stay together.

And obviously sometimes there is no doubt a relationship’s so bad you risk your sanity if you stay in it.

But what about when your relationship’s reasonable or pretty good? How do you then decide if it’s good enough to stay in for the rest of your life, or bad enough to leave for something better?

Being in this situation can be really uncomfortable – as you probably know if you’ve been there.

There’s the comfort of being where you are with what’s known; and on the other side there’s the prospect of what’s not so good and the discomfort of searching for a new relationship you might never find.

And yet, to be stuck where you are by fear of loss or never having anything better isn’t a great place to be, either.

Or perhaps you’re actually holding yourself back for some reason from finding the relationship you need – maybe because deep down you’re not sure if you’re good enough.

All of these questions and issues make this a truly difficult decision.

Steve Pavlina writes about this on his blog and recommends a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum which helped him to see relationships in a whole new way.

You know how everybody thinks of relationships in terms of the pros vs the cons, the good vs the bad, the negative vs the positive?

Well, how about taking a radical view and forgetting that approach? Of course it seems logical when you’re thinking about breaking up, weighing the good things against the bad things.

But it’s not really very logical, because every relationship has good things and bad things. You have to go a little bit deeper than the superficial to make a good decision about whether to break up or make up. (And making the right decision means you don’t have the pain of getting your ex back later!)

And remember, if you’re basing your decision “whether to stay or go” on the back of relationship pros and cons, you have to take into account the possible pros and the possible cons arising in the future.

This makes your decision-making strategy even harder and, if we’re honest, less relevant than ever. What you need to do instead, is actually work out the true state of your relationship right now.

And of course if you’re actually ambivalent about whether to stay or go, it means your relationship’s not doing too well. Think about it: if you were in a really positive relationship which made your heart sing with joy, you wouldn’t be thinking about whether to stay or whether to go, would you?

So what’s the problem now? That’s your first question.

In her book Mira offers you 36 questions which can answer yes or no – and each of these questions is explained very thoroughly with several pages of detailed information.

Each question provides you with a “filter” about whether to stay or go, and if you pass that filter you move onto the next one. If you don’t pass a particular filter, then the suggestion is that you might consider ending your relationship.

Obviously, to stay together you have to pass through all 36 filters and say yes to all of them.

However although this sounds harsh, most of the questions are very simple and straightforward and you’ll get through those easily.

(For example, if you fail the “does your partner beat you?” test, the recommendation is you leave your relationship. No surprise? Well, some people need those questions, even if you don’t. A lot of women stay with men who beat them.)

So let’s assume that particular level of question doesn’t apply to you, which means you will have about 12 questions which might reveal whether or not your relationship’s worth saving or whether it might be better just to break up now. Even if breaking up is hard to do….. not doing it might be better than trying to get your ex back later!

(Just so you know, the outcome of these predictive questions is based on long term observation of real couples – in other words people who failed the filters and stayed together – did they break up later? Answer “yes”, almost always.)

Having said all of that, you’re not going to be able to rely completely 100% on the author’s opinions because she doesn’t know your personal circumstances. That’s not an excuse for not following her advice: it’s just a warning to make sure that you’re doing the right thing.

What it means is that when a breakup is recommended in the book, it’s because most people who chose to stay together (historically) in the situation to which the question refers were unhappy. Conversely, the author observed that people who broke up when they were in that situation tended to be happier.

So in other words, all of these decisions are based on happiness – which is fair enough. If your relationship’s not making you happy, why would you stay in it?

In among all the other aspects of information in the book, there are a few interesting questions which are key pointers.

For example, if your God, divinity or divine power told you that you were free to leave the relationship, with no question of any retribution, how would you feel? Relieved? Aha….

And are you getting your needs met? (Assuming you are clear about what they are.) If you don’t get your needs met in a relationship, then clearly that relationship is doing more harm than good.

What about liking your partner? Do you actually like your partner? Do you believe that they truly like you?

And is their sexual chemistry? Do you feel a spark for your partner?

Is your partner prone to behaviors that make your relationship difficult, like uncontrolled anger, or smoking and drinking? Are you tolerating things that are intolerable for you?

Are you truly compatible with your partner?

Do you have a sense of mutual respect for each other?

And so on.

In essence, all of the questions or filters which Mira offers in her book are about establishing whether or not your relationship enhances your self-esteem, supports you, and meets your needs.

And remember that even if it seems difficult to leave, long-term happiness is often just around the corner even though your current relationship seems like it’s doomed.

Finally, it’s worth remembering that the question of whether or not to leave your current relationship has nothing to do with difficulty or otherwise of finding a new one.

If your current relationship isn’t serving you in all the ways that it should do, then I’d say your duty to yourself is really to finish it, to break up, and to go off and then find out how you can attract a new partner.

Remember: you can’t objectively assess whether or not you’re a worthwhile candidate for a relationship with someone while you’re in a relationship that’s turning sour.

And if your relationship “analysis” suggested you’re in the right place, so much the better. How wonderful to be with someone who meets your needs, makes you happy, and fulfils you so much that your relationship is too good to leave.

introduction

The Secret Of Relationship Repair – Get Back Together

If you’ve looked online for information about how to save your relationship or get your ex back if you’ve broken up, you probably haven’t found much helpful information….

However, you probably have found lots of websites which claim to have amazing, secret techniques you can use to get your ex back quickly and easily.

Odd thing is, some of these websites do actually have some great suggestions – but you’re not going to want to buy every program, information book and DVD series on the Internet to find out which one of them is actually going to be most helpful to you, I’m sure!

So I’m going to save you that problem by telling you right away that if you really want one which stands out above all the others, (a judgment I make based on my years of experience as a relationship counselor and therapist), then the one you need is Text Your Ex Back by Mike Fiore.

I’ve devoted another page of this website to explaining why his work is so good, but in the meantime if you just want to save yourself some time and effort, and you want your partner back as soon as possible, then all you need to do is just simply click on this link right now and you’ll be on your way to relationship repair in a flash.

Getting Back Together

OK, still reading? Great, good to have you with us. One of the reasons I wrote this website is because I’m a relationship counsellor and therapist and I’ve spent years watching people go through break-ups and counseling them afterwards in an attempt to help them get over the pain and suffering of the breakup.

To that end, this website is a summary of the best information available from psychologists, therapists and relationship counselors about how you can increase your chances of getting back with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend and living happily with them again in the future.

You’ll also find advice and information that will help you establish a better relationship, communicate more easily and openly, enjoy better sex and intimacy, and generally protect you from the possibility of your relationship breaking up.

Text Your Ex Back

But before we go there, I just want to say a few more words about Text Your Ex Back by Mike Fiore. Mike’s a man who’s written many programs about relationships which have been very successful on the Internet. Relationship repair is his speciality, and he’s worked in the field for many years, so he knows what he’s talking about.

Text Your Ex Back (TYEB for short) is one of his most successful programs, because it addresses the question that everyone who’s broken up wants answering – “How can I get back my boyfriend or girlfriend back and renew my relationship?”

Mike offers a whole series of strategies and techniques for renewing your relationship with your ex. But the essence of all of them is the same thing: communication.

His program is all about knowing when to communicate, how to communicate, and what to communicate. In other words, TYEB helps you communicate in a way that avoids the difficulties you’ve experienced in the past and opens up new channels of connection and intimacy with your ex, which means you stand a much greater chance of re-establishing a meaningful relationship.

Think about it! It stands to reason: relationships break up because of poor communication. You may say people break up because they are incompatible, but the reason people are incompatible is because they’re not communicating about their differences and finding either some compromise or a resolution of their differences.

Even when people truly are incompatible at a very deep level, good honest communication can ease the pain and the burden of breaking up and going your separate ways. Which means communication really is the best way to find harmony and understanding with your partner. And if you already have broken up, then finding the right way to communicate definitely gives you the best chance of re-establishing your relationship and getting back together.

That’s why I promote Text Your Ex Back: because it works for the majority of people who buy it. Having said that, of course, it wouldn’t be ethical to sell a program which was just designed to offer people a whole variety of techniques and nothing else. So the program also describes ways in which you can establish whether or not it’s right for you to get back together with your ex, and it also helps you understand why you broke up in the first place.

That can be really helpful if you have doubts and uncertainties but you also know that some areas of your relationship were great and you want more of that energy! If you’d like to know more about Text Your Ex Back, you can find a link about this interesting program in the right-hand column of this page.

Meanwhile, you can choose from the menu across the top of this page to see what our relationship advice has to offer.